FASHOLES

"Slim Pickins: Welcome to Awards Season 2011!

2011-01-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

This is my first shot in awhile, and I'm a giant sneezy, congested zombie right now, so it seems odd that I should point and laugh at wealthy, usually glamorous celebrities who took ONE fashion misstep, while I'm sitting here under a blanket with unkempt hair and a red nose, and wearing - among other unspeakable items - pink insulated pajama-leggings. But it's fun, and I hope you'll enjoy the return of our little column. (Cough, cough.)

SO: Hey, our fabulous, funny and (we hope!) loyal fans. It’s been quite awhile since we’ve ripped celebs' clothing to shreds here on Fasholes. Many things have changed – Joan Rivers is chief of the “Fashion Police,” Natalie Portman’s bringing back ballet chic, and “What Not to Wear” has moved from Friday night to Tuesday. And some have not – Lindsay Lohan is still ducking in and out of rehab, Coco’s ass and Ryan Seacrest are still omnipresent, the paparazzi is still way up in everyone’s business, nobody from the Jersey Shore can dress, and we still wish we were the Kardashians.

We’ve entered awards season, when every notable celeb makes at least one red-carpet appearance for us to dissect, and what better event to kick off our first post in like a year than the People’s Choice Awards. No offense, but if I had the opportunity to attend a star-studded event (wow, have I covered every single celebrity fashion cliché yet?), I definitely wouldn’t choose some of these outfits …

Let’s start with THE GOOD:

Sorry, none.

Yeah, I’m kidding – but truthfully, I was hard-pressed to come up with very many impressive looks this time. Even with personal trainers, nutritionists and stylists, there’s still a lot of bad fashion choices out there, people, and we can only do so much.

Apparently, this girl (above) is called Virginia Williams. Who knew. But I dig her sparkly minidress.

OK, so maybe this isn’t the most flattering shot of Kristen Stewart – she sort of looks like she’s in pain or constipated – but I’ve got to give her props – girl knows how to work the sparkles. And her legs, man, I’m jealous. This dress makes me feel like I should jump on the elliptical machine and pedal away until I’ve traveled from here to China. Plus, the peep-toe black shoes work nicely with the look and her hair looks not only washed, but nicely coiffed. Well played, KStew.

So, supposedly, Khloe K. is slowly transitioning from the standard dark Kardashian tresses all the way to “Jessica Rabbit” red. (She kind of looks like Mandy Moore’s sister here, doesn’t she?) I really like that she’s trying to be different. I like the simple, muted tone of the McQueen dress (it really puts the focus on the new hair color!) and the way it just flows onto the carpet. It’s a bit hard to see, but check out the nifty little leopard clutch at her hip. As Khloe would say, “cute.”

<------- Aha! These are the shoes that I’ll refer to in my response to Rachel Bilson’s old “O.C.” friend, Autumn Reeser. I seriously love these nude-colored pumps and am jonesing for my own pair; unlike colored shoes, they don’t cut you off at the ankle – these give the optical illusion of long, thin legs. Can someone – Spanx, perhaps – create the equivalent of these shoes for the stomach, please? Ok, so Rachel’s hair looks absolutely beautiful. Why can’t my hair look like that, damnit? I use Moroccan oil. WTF!? As for the dress, well, it’s a very particular style, with all that lace. And it kind of has a nautical mood to it (not fashionably nautical … more like, catching fish in a net nautical). I’m not saying that I would choose to wear this dress, but it fits well and is cute and youthful.

The “eh, I’ve seen worse” category:

OK, so, similar shoes, but a less successful bigger picture. White sort of paints you into a corner when it comes to shoes. You don’t want matchy-matchy white shoes unless you’re getting married or it’s Easter or something, but sometimes black is too harsh, dramatic. And so, I suppose Lea Michelle smushed her tattooed feet into a pair of nude shoes (that look too big for her). I like the shape of the upper 75% of the dress. The bottom looks like it was hemmed with one of those paper cutters I still haven’t seemed to master, and about three inches too short. It looks stiff, somehow. Maybe Lea sprayed the bottom of it with the same starch she used to saturate her hair. Seriously, what is up with LM’s hair here? The bangs are nicely curled, but the rest looks like a hot mess. She also looks like she just smoked up inside a tanning bed, but who’s judging?

… and, finally, THE BAD N’ UGLY. For the record, I saw some EXTRA hideous getups on Gawker (who dubbed the People’s Choice Awards “The Worst Red Carpet We Have Ever Seen), but I’m not going to mention anyone I haven’t heard of … ouch. Double-diss.

To the right is the Goth chick from NCIS. I think the message on her dress summarizes the entire parade of oddities strutting their poor fashion choices at the People's Choice Awards. ------->

<------Cookie Monster hasn’t gone tanning in awhile. Believe it or not, this is Autumn Reeser, who more or less singlehandedly saved the last two seasons of classic teen angst-fest “The O.C.” Her character was bubbly, blonde and endearingly anal-retentive – and never would have worn a fright-fest like this one. The dress alone is bad enough, but the accessories – particularly the shoes – aren’t doing her any favors. Those popular nude-colored shoes from Christian Louboutin (I’ve been eying the less expensive version at Steve Madden) would have made her legs look longer. Even worse: her hair and makeup has put the accelerator on Reeser’s age – she looks to be rounding 40, even though she’s nowhere near it.

She looks like one of those multi-colored dusters-thingys that you keep in the closet. Maybe Autumn’s dress should be following that example.

And here we have Raven-Symone, as Natalie Portman’s body double in “Black Swan.”

Drew Barrymore wore this schmatta to the Cover Girl Gala, which was held later the same night as the People’s Choice Awards. Seriously, Drew looks like a fashionista imprisoned for bad taste who ripped her prison pantsuit apart and tried to sew it back together in the yard, but should have probably gotten shivved in the process.

Also, girl, you are a Cover Girl model … Cover Girl makes makeup … you are wearing too much of it.

No. Just … no.

Really?

Who’s hiding under there?

I think Rashida Jones is gorge, and I usually like her style choices. Well, nobody’s perfect. First of all, unless Rashida is nine months pregnant, there’s no reason to wear such a contraption. Second, her circa 1995 makeup sucks. Everything’s so pale, and that purply lipstick is doing her no favors. Even though it sort of works with the deep purple carpet, I guess. Which brings me to the matching bandages on Rashida’s feet. They look so painful!

Really?

You know, I’m going to feel like a giant jerk if RJ really is pregnant. I’m going to go google this.

Even if she is, though, the makeup still sucks.

OK, that’s all I got, folks. Any thoughts on these outfits? Any others you’d like to offer up as a sacrifice to the fashion gods?

Mae I please go back in time?

2010-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

(Hello, Fellow Fasholes! I just found this started but never finished blog from sometime around last Christmas, and I decided to finish it. Happy reading!)

Whoever said you can’t want what you never had definitely didn’t come of age in the 90s.It’s not just my life that lacks glamour; it’s my whole generation.

Among the many lovely things I received this Christmas was a horrific migraine, which rendered me useless for the next few days. At some blurry point between drug-induced escapes from what felt like a hammer knocking on my eyeball from the inside, I caught part of an episode of Intimate Portrait on Lifetime. It was probably 3:00 in the morning, or later. I remember thinking I’d enjoy this show were it not for the whole eyeball-hammer thing. The subject of this particular episode (hosted by a pre-Today Show, pre-The View Meredith Viera!) was Mae West, an actress from the 1920s and 30s, known for pushing the censors and such witticisms as,

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before,” “I didn’t discover curves, I only uncovered them,” and the much-repeated and revised, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

I remembered Mae West’s name and decided to do a little Internet research, which turned up images of a strong and confident woman before that was considered all fine and good. These photos make me hurt for a time I never knew, a glamour and polish that just doesn’t exist anymore. Nobody has presence. Everybody’s just trying to be talked about. I, for one, am quite relieved that this New Year’s Eve closed a decade that included the rise (and thankfully, fall) of Lindsay Lohan, as well as the rise (and hopefully, fall) of Ed Hardy t-shirts.Behold, Mae West:

What I love about Mae here is that you can’t help but behold her as she beholds herself. This woman is not just checking herself out in that hand mirror; she’s delighting in herself, something I don’t think women do nearly enough these days. Not those who should, anyway. I find Mae West captivating and gutsy; after watching the Intimate Portrait special, I can say with certainty that if anyone came along in that moment with unkind words, she’d have turned that hand mirror upside down and showed them just what they could do with their opinions. And it would have been as breathtaking as she.

This photograph is full of suggestions, and I don’t just mean what I imagine to be coyly hiding behind crucially-woven lace flowers. This was a smart lady, not a lemming merely mimicking what people around her were calling pretty. I’d venture to guess Mae West thought herself lucky to be of fair skin and hair, and that lips lined and colored deep were considered of the moment; her natural coloring only further showcases this trend. What lady who’s any fun at all wants to veer attention away from her lips?

It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”It saddens me to realize there is no Mae West for my generation. There are only photoshopped pop stars dying to be clever and unpopular high school girls-turned reality TV waste. There is nothing worth being repeated, and nothing worth remembering.

“I’m no model lady. A model’s just an imitation of the real thing.”

If I had your haircut, I'd kill myself.

2010-06-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I'm not talking about Kate Gosselin. Instead I'm addressing someone who was once lauded by Fasholes for her style. I'm talking to you, Kirsten Storms!

I must confess, I've not watched General Hospital in quite some time (nor have I posted to this blog. Sorry!) But I recently received a text message alerting me to the fact that Kirsten Storms murdered a lesbian and ran off with her haircut.

I couldn't find a really clear picture, and this is probably not a coincidence. Also, just a note, if I were more tech-savvy, I'd have added little cartoon speaking balloons to this picture. Matt's would say, "Uh, holy crap, what did you do to your hair?" And Maxie's would say, "Step off or I'll cut you, Shawn Douglas. I mean, Matt."

That's a little joke for anyone who remembers these two as Shawn and Belle on Days of Our Lives. Belle would have never cut her hair like this. Even Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, had better style.

Kirsten Storms is known (at least, in the soap world, and among soap fans) for changing her hairstyle. She's sported short cuts before, most of which were cute and sassy, and also long, bouncy hair extensions. Honestly, I find Kirsten Storms a unique combination of cute and sexy (I also find myself this way. Helloooooo, Self!), but I think she finally did something I just cannot condone.

Even Kate Gosselin has ditched the cut we all came to know and loathe.

As Camilla Alves wisely, but not so cleverly, said on every episode she hosted of Shear Genius, "Remember: hair is important."

While this is not nearly creative enough to warrant catchphrase status, I cannot argue the point. When my hair looks like crap, I feel like crap. And if I'm bloated (ha, IF), but my hair looks great, well, I find solace in the knowledge that I can be photographed from the shoulders up.

Below, for your viewing pleasure, is a gallery of Kirsten Storms' various hairdos so you can see that this latest really is out of her (and dare I say, Maxie's) character. How old is Maxie supposed to be now, anyway? This can't even be chalked up to Maxie just being a wild, angst-ridden teen.

Oh, Maxie. If you hadn't stolen B.J.'s heart, which no-doubt now beats anxiously inside your chest on account of your hideous bulldykey hairstyle, you surely would have broken it.

Phases of Maxie....long and layered, short and kinky, and a fun updo. She's pictured here with her friend from One Life to Live, who has also sported some terrible haircuts.

Lastly, Maxie with her shortest hair before the catastrophe of 2010. I liked it so much, I copied it. And then I learned my lesson, and I will never cut my hair again.

Spending Freeze & My Winter Faves

2010-02-10T02:15:00.000-08:00

With much trepidation and sadness, I confess: as of two days ago, Monday, February 8, 2010, I am officially on a budget.

ACTually ... budget isn't quite the appropriate word. Let me explain.

I deal with finances the same way I deal with most other things in life:
1. Pay off all "debts" - either literal or metaphorical.
2. Skip gleefully and fashionably through life. waving credit card around like it is the key to the world (which, really, it is).
3. Procrastinate until just immediately before the giant red "DANGER" button starts flashing.
4. Freak out.
5. Fix everything cold turkey.

So basically, this means that, for the next two weeks, I am attempting not to spend ANY money aside from gas money to motor me to and from work. (I know this is dire straits when a small part of the reason that I'm happy we have a snow day tomorrow is that I won't have to use the gas.) This means: No Grove Street Laundry service; I will be bringing my laundry home for the foreseeable future (definitely past those two weeks). I will be food shopping in my parents' kitchen, making my own coffee, and bringing lunch to work every day. Two weeks and one paycheck later, my bank account will have a much better bill of health. However, the spending needs to stop, or at least lessen greatly, far past the two-week mark.

ANYway, enough of THAT. This weekend, I had the good fortune to actually crawl out of my cave to visit with my Fasholes co-editor, Laura. We shopped at Blue Mercury and The Gap, had dinner, and then went for some drinks. Good times all around!

For fun, here's a list of my favorite items (cue the showtune) from this past winter. Because, you know, I'm really important.

1. System Biolage Moisturizing Balm ($16.50): http://www.goddess-within.com/mabico.html

2. Kiehl's Lip Moisturizer (Blue Mercury, $6.50) http://www.kiehls.com/_us/_en/face/lip-care/lip-balm-1.htm

3. NARS' Super Orgasm Blush (Blue Mercury, $26):
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P2855&categoryId=C10476

4. Long fingerless wool gloves (brand unknown, purchased at store on Church St. in Montclair)

5. Wool Coat (Esprit, $100 - I have this in a lighter, heather gray)

6. 100% Organic Red Fleece Scarf (Maggie's Organics, $17):
http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/products/item.php?RID=572

7. Black Leggings ($8, Kmart!) - great for layering.

8. CuddlDuds Lightweight Activewear (CuddlDuds, price unknown) I know, I know, insulated underwear; what, am I going on an Antarctic trek? - but this brand is silky and really thin, so it doesn't make you feel like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man from "Ghostbusters." Also keeps me quite warm: http://www.cuddlduds.com/SearchResults.asp?Cat=2

9. Potentially Nerdy "Pom Pom" Knitted Wool Hat in off-white (J.Crew, "borrowed" from a family member; thus, price unknown)

10. My Space Heater

Okay, I now feel superficial enough to wanna puke. So what are your favorite items (beauty, fashion, etc.) that you bought this past winter? Please, sit down and share with the group.

Obligatory Golden Globes Post

2010-01-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I didn't actually WATCH the Golden Globes, because something better was on. Something so good, I don't even remember what it was. Probably a repeat of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, or one of my favorite episodes of Frasier. Still, the only reason anyone does watch the Golden Globes (which there seems to be a lot of public backlash against all of a sudden, am I the only one who has noticed? Everyone is boohooing these actors and accusing them of bribing the Hollywood Foreign Press. Who the FREAK are the Hollywood Foreign Press, anyway? Can anyone name a member? Can I become a member?) is for the fashion. And for that, I turned to the Internet. I'm gonna start with my absolute favorites. This week started out good for me, so why not start this post out on a positive note? Then we'll move on to other favorites, the middle ground, and the bleeping awful.
Absolute Favorites:
Christina Aguilera.

OMG OMG OMG. This is what I would wear to the Golden Globes, an event I can assure you won't happen because I'll unfortunately never be a famous actress or singer, and even more unfortunately because I'll never be completely rid of the underarm fat which plagues me, and prevents me from frequenting strapless garments. Christina is doing my favorite thing here, mixing something soft (the pale, peachy pink chiffon) with something edgy (holy crap is that a twisted METAL bodice?!). The detail at the hips is somehow just perfect, it doesn't distract, and I'm sure a lot of debate when into whether or not it would. The jewelery is appropriately simple, given the holy-crap-is-that-a-twisted-metal bodice, and I'm loving the 1920s inspired blond bob. Christina is also apparently wearing the new Orgasm face highlighter by NARS, my absolute favorite make up line, and she is indeed glowing. Guess where this Fashole will be on February 1st, the day this product launches?

Kate Hudson.

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Fashion and gossip magazines often coin phrases that combine an unlikely word with "chic." "Bohemian chic." "Retro chic." But never before have I heard "origami chic," and that's exactly what Kate Hudson is doing so brilliantly here. This was a risk, and it paid off. Like Christina, Kate goes for minimal jewelry. The platform pumps are right on trend. The sweepy updo compliments the shape of the dress. Note the textures around the decolletage and elsewhere; again, here we have a little bit of softness mixed in with sharp structure. Is there anything cleaner and sleeker than white on white? No. There's not.

Other wins, in no particular order: Emily Blunt, Cameron Diaz, Anna Paquin (minus the hideous shoes), Elisabetta Canalis, Kristen Bell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Carey Mulligan (though I have no idea who she is, and the top could have fit better).

And now, for the middle ground. In other words, looks I wanted to like, but just could not.

Drew Barrymore.

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Oh, Drew. This is like a Project Runway design that wasn't fully executed. I like the idea here, and I think she looked beautiful, but the thing popping out at the hip is just too distracting, and what the hell IS that, anyway? It looks like a bedazzled, swollen ovary.

Sandra Bullock.

I think purple is a great color for her, but this is a bit too deep (ok, ok, Jess, go ahead: "that's what she said").

Fergie.

I appreciate that she didn't wear bootie shorts and fishnets. She seemed to want to class it up for the evening, and that's great. The lilac is lovely on her, the fit is wonderful, but all in all it's just not special. Point will be validated by my fellow fashole, a high school teacher, if she chaperones the prom. Unrelated side note: Josh Duhamel is HOOOOOT.

Jennifer Morrison.

Her boyfriend bought her this dress, and she wore it, which is just so sweet. I want to like this, I actually like all the frills on top of a form-fitting dress. I think it's the color I have a problem with. Is the dress made out of khaki? What is UP with that? Has anyone ever seen the movie Jersey Girl with Jamie Gertz? She goes to some high society event with her snobby love interest and wears this ridiculous pink little girl dress that her dad bought for her. He was so proud to give it to her. And even though she knew it was hideous, and knew she'd be embarrassed to wear it, she wore it anyway, because she'd rather embarrass herself than hurt her dad's feelings. I kinda think a similar situation happened here. Count yourself lucky, Jennifer Morrison's boyfriend, whoever you are. This girl loves you.

January Jones.

Ms. Jones obviously forgot to take her headband off after her workout. Why, why, why?! I like the dress, but that matchy headband ruins the WHOLE. THING.

Chloe Sevigny.

I actually saw Chole accept her award for Supporting Actress, or something, for Big Love. I was trying to figure out how the hell this dress stayed on. It's magical, I guess. Not to sound like a snob, but I think I could have pulled this dress off. Hee.

Now, for the bad. Although you probably skimmed till you got here.

Christina Hendricks.

And here we have a radiant redhead with a good idea gone wrong. Oh, and her boobs squished up to her chin. What the hell is happening with the Mad Men women?! When Elisabeth Moss is the best dressed of all three, well...I can't even finish the thought. The ruffle thing begins way too high on the hip. Again, I'm just too upset to go on. Both Hendricks and January Jones were among my favorites at some other award show, some other time, pre-Fasholes.

Lea Michele.

Everyone seemed to love this. I think she looks like a Cris Angel's wedding cake. I'll give the kid a break, she was probably very excited to attend the Golden Globes, and wanted to wear a huuuuuge dress. I say "kid" because I think she's on Glee, which I've never seen, and that's a show about high school kids. In reality, she's probably 47. Hey, whatever happened to Gabrielle Carteries?

What? You want me to go to the Golden Globes?? Wait till people read about this in the Blaze.

Julia Roberts.

Julia Roberts got lost on her way to Sona 13 in Morristown, New Jersey, and ended up at the Golden Globes. And, I hate the Legends of the Hidden Temple necklace.

Julianne Moore.

Julianne Moore looks hideous. No witty comment is necessary. Some tragedies speak for themselves. Nice earrings, though.

Zoe Saldana.

I've never seen this chick before. Chances are, if she turned sideways, I would not see her again. Take Zoe to White Castle to scarf down a few, and then maybe she could fill out this dress. It's way too detailed for such a tiny body. Better yet, give her my stomach and intestinal problems. Oh, my insides. They're wacky.

Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey won two Golden Globes?! Oh, wait. Those are Mariah Carey's ginormous old lady boobs. I hate Mariah Carey. I don't say that with any irony, the way I did with Jennie Garth. I really do hate Mariah Carey. But good news, fashion-challenged, financially-impaired readers: you can get a shorter version of this very dress at your local Joyce Leslie, on the Buy One Get One 50 percent off rack.

Tina Fey.

This is just a stupid outfit. I'm tempted to make a lame joke about Tina getting lost on her way to SNL skit about Little Bo Beep, but that would be kind of redundant since I made both a getting lost joke and an obvious, lazy boob joke, above. This is just terrible. And to top it all off, it was raining. Next time, Tina will check to see if an umbrella makes a cartoon out of her hideous, stupid outfit.

Diane Kruger.

The only good choice Diane Kruger made here is Joshua Jackson. Oh, Diane. What happened? You were just in Jess's Best of Le Best list not two posts ago. This dress...it's pulled from a costume closet. It was marked "token hideous bridesmaid/prom/birthday cake-like dress, circa 1985. It might be the dress Jamie Gertz wore in Jersey Girl.

Well, that's my take! Stay tuned, I had a little shopping spree at Bakers today, and I will be posting my newest fab footwear.

One last note: Can someone PLEASE tell Jennifer Aniston to stop wearing BLACK?! It's all she ever fucking wears. New post idea. I call it!

Another last note: Many of the pictures were found at: www.moviefone.com and www.justjared.buzznet.com. I suggest looking at some of these dresses in larger view. For example, Kristen Bell's shoes are fabulous but you really can't see that here.

Golden Globes Tonight! (And pics of your glammed-up co-editor.)

2010-01-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

So, how would I be your Fasholes editor if I constantly schlumped around in pegged Mom jeans and white Nike high-tops? (I'm not saying that, hypothetically, I'm not wearing a maroon hooded sweatshirt and a pair of "Scrabble" pajama pants, but that is now. This is last night.) Last night, I trekked out to Harrisburg, PA, for the wedding of a childhood friend. Now, since I was aware that I wouldn't know anyone besides the "wedding family" and my own, I thought, "What better way conversation starter than a unique dress and accessories?" and decided to glam it up. So, as a way to assure Fasholes readers that yes, I can properly accessorize and look good without labeling myself as a slave to trends, here's a small sample of yours truly, dressed to the nines.

Keep in mind that bronzing powder replaced a spray tan, since I was completely out of my element in Harrisburg (even though I grew up a mere 1/2 an hour away) and could not locate a Beach Bum Tanning salon (or any, really). So, here you go. Laura, I hope I've made you proud.

A few words about the dress: Found in one of my favorite stores/boutiques on Church Street in Montclair for $40 (yes, that's $40!). The shoes I've mentioned in this blog before, but just in case you're interested, were $100. The copper clutch was $20, and a copper/crystal beaded necklace that I knotted once around was $7, from a sample sale on South Park St. in Montclair.

I hope you're able to get a sense of the awesome detail of this dress from these pictures. It's a bit of a halter-top and has a button closure at the nape of the neck. The best part, however, is the layering at the collar. I have to say, the dress immediately caught my eye mainly because of the lux material and the unusual, yet vibrant color - I usually do well with jewel tones, but just haven't worn emerald green since high school. I probably would've bought the dress had it cost $100, but at $40, and after trying it on, there was no way I could turn it down!
I'm normally a huge fan of glamour + skin art, but the fact that my own mother gladly snapped this shot makes me, well, happy.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I omitted mentioning that the Golden Globes are tonight, which means celebrities will be strutting their pilates-toned, manicured and pedicured nails, coiffed hair, spray tans, diamond facials, gobs of gemstones strung around their necks and wrists and dripping like sparkling raindrops from their ears. This also means that I will be reporting on some of the best and worst on the red carpet.

The Best and Worst of 2009

2010-01-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

"Like, what's your f****** problem? Are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my f****** outfit?"

le worst
What's funny about doing the research for such a momentous project is just how much more difficult it was to track down styles I liked in 2009. Plus, it's so much more fun to point and laugh.

Let's start, then, with the worst offenders. (I excluded Lady Gaga and Peaches Geldolf, for obvious reasons.) Where to begin?

Okay. Let's start with Kim here. She's a beautiful girl from a family of beautiful girls. She can afford, basically, whatever she wants. So I'm struggling to understand what might have possessed her to wear these Hammer-pants. Especially to Perez Hilton's birthday party! The guy makes a living making fun of people's appearances (and drawing cartoon pee) on celebrities, and you look like you're auditioning for the new version of "I Dream of Jeannie." I just don't get it.

Next, we've got "The Surprise": The celeb who, 99% of the time, looks purely flawless, and then, just when you think it's safe to assume that he/she can do no fashion wrong ... SPLAT. Something like THIS happens. Ahem. Yes, we're talking about YOU, Catherine. Just so ya'll know, you can't wear something like this and get away with it just because you're walking your dog. No matter how adorable your furry friend may be, our judgmental eyes will not be averted from the fact that you are wearing PAJAMA PANTS, a hideous short-sleeved (?) coat, a beret, and what looks like mismatching Uggs of some sort. Now, if you're going to take the time to put on some makeup and accessorize, is it too much to ask just to slip on some darn jeans? Perhaps that, and matching black boots - we KNOW you can afford them - would have saved this outfit. Honestly, even the pup looks embarrassed. And where, may I ask, is her pooper scooper? Don't worry, Cath - we here at FASHOLES have our very own giant Fashion Pooper Scooper - and we're disposing of this entire steaming mess, post haste.

Oh, Katie. Why can't you take a cue from Jen Lindley, your old pal from the Creek - or her real-life self, the awesomely wonderful and talented Michelle Williams? If you had, perhaps you would've ended up in our "Best of le Best" section below, instead of up here? We're not even going to speak of the impact your strange husband has had on your appearance, or the fact that you're dressing your three-year-old in high heels. We're putting YOU first, Katie - errr, KATE - which is something that you've desperately needed to do for quite awhile now.

Let's take it from the top. Remember Joey Potter's long, shiny dark locks from her days lusting after Dawson and Pacey? Hon, it looks like someone took to your cerebellum with a weed-whacker. And I can almost sympathize with the lack of makeup - I've been known to leave the house sans everything (except for sunblock) - like, when I'm going to the gym, or when I'm sick, or when I'm going to work and planning on calling out sick the next day. (This is ironic, because the only reason I have time to post this is because I'm legitimately home sick today.) But, Kate, you've got this strange, chin-crinkly expression on your face, like you know you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

I don't even know where to begin with the actual outfit. We all know that you're trying very hard to re-establish yourself as a serious actress. But really, you don't have to make it look like you fell asleep on the dusty old couch they keep backstage. It looks like you either A) borrowed your husband's shirt from his Risky Business days, or, more likely, B) found this wrinkly white men's shirt underneath the cushions in said couch.

And the jeans. Oh, the jeans. We applaud you, Kate, for trying to bring back the whole Tom Sawyer look. I remember as a young child, spending countless hours trying to fold my socks over to match exactly right. Then I grew up and realized that nobody folds their socks over, and I think most people left their jeans alone back in 1867, when it was no longer necessary to ford rivers on the Oregon Trail.

I like Freida Pinto; I really do. She's gorge, and seems like a real-life sweetheart, and was winningly charming in "Slumdog Millionaire." In fact, I began researching Freida in the hopes of placing her on the opposite side of this fashion coin. Alas, it was simply not to be. Every snap of Freida found her wearing colorful, yet strangely hideous outfits - the one to your left is actually one of the least awful I could find. As always, FP looks absolutely flawless from the neck up. From the neck down is another story. Her top is a lovely shade of cornflower blue. I even can SLIGHTLY accept the skirt, although it looks like some kind of throwback to a look that I can only describe as "80s-retro-I found-this-in-the-paper-shredder."

I don't really get the pink-and-black bag; maybe Freida's just trying to be gender-balanced. And the shoes. No. Just ... no.

What do you think? Would better accessorizing save this sinking ship, or does it belong back in the shredder?

Amber Rose must have IMPECCABLE taste. Not only in men, but in fashion as well. First, we have these other-worldly sunglasses. Then, we have the always genteel Kanye at her side. Then, some shredded Michael Jackson gloves and a tube top. But then, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that AR has obviously not realized that her tights have a huge rip in the crotch and along the sides. I'm going to just go with the theory that she is, like Tara Reid once was, blissfully (or drunkenly) unaware that her vag is pretty much screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE" to the world. Maybe she's coming from yoga class and was trying to do a split or something. Maybe some asshole told her that these were slimming. Or maybe she's trying to air something out.

Sorry, Nat my girl, but just because you think you're lowering yourself to us "little people" by wearing Rodarte by Target doesn't mean you're going to pull it off. Honestly, that's not why us aspiring Fasholes look at pictures of celebrities - to see them wearing knockoffs from Kohl's? Plus, if celebrities stopped dressing up, there wouldn't even BE such a thing as knockoffs. Clearly, Natalie is wearing this ... mustard/goldenrod/barf-colored frock in the hopes of persuading all celebrities to stop dressing in couture and start getting in line at Marshalls in a "V for Vendetta" type of world fashion domination. Don't do it, ladies! Don't shave your heads!

Oh, Melissa George ... please tell me you're at one of those fairs where they give you historical outfits and silly, silly hats to wear and they take your picture in sepia tones and you take it home with you as a memento of the day.

OK, now I feel totally catty. Here I am, all judgy, sitting here at home in my PJs and mismatched socks. I mean, nobody's perfect.

OK, Vanessa, I expect WAY more from you - I expect mascara and heels on the treadmill, and CERTAINLY not CROCS! - and Pamela Anderson is well, cranky, because she's wearing a diaper.

I don't feel so catty anymore, do you?

... 2009 was not only the worst of times, but also, for a select few, the best - fashion-wise. And now, some moments of zen from Mz. Emma Watson, Michelle Williams, Marion Cottiliard, Amy Adams, Olivia Wilde, Taraji P. Henson, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Connelly, Diane Kruger, and Carey Mulligan. Thank you, ladies.

A for Style, B for Starpower

2010-01-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

It happens to me all the time: I put together a fabulous outfit without even really trying, and my excitement is tempered by the fact that I’m merely going to a local bar with my girlfriends. What’s a local bar to you, L-Sass, I hear you asking. Well, it’s my guess that the only men with jobs who inhabit these places actually work AT the bar, rendering them as undateable as the unkempt greasers (Hey! An Outsiders reference!) who dare to approach me. So, why do I get dressed to go to these places? It is an innate thing, it’s just who I am, it just happens. Why do I even GO to these places? The cheese fries, usually.

Anyway, the only time I ever really wish I were famous is when I’m clad in a really great outfit and no one is around to take pictures or care. This got me thinking about the often-ignored B-list stars, particularly the overworked soap opera actors, who often look fabulous to the delight of not nearly enough people. My favorite girls follow:

Chrishell Stause. Chrishell plays Amanda Dillon on All My Children. This girl is perfect. I dare you to find me another living person with that face, a killer body, and the ability to work it. Chrishell knows she’s gorgeous, she dresses to show it off, and yet somehow she never seems to be screaming, “LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME!” with her choices. I love pretty much everything she wears, onscreen and off.

Below, the first look is the bathing suit that made me want to die. Please note that this is actually Amanda, which accounts for the "LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME!" tone of the picture. Look two demonstrates how to make gray and black feminine; I love the ruffle at the bottom, there is something special about it, actually, it's almost mimicking a paper-bag waist. Look number three is just about the best curve-hugging dress ever. I'm no normally into this whole Grecian thing, but her body perfect for this dress. I also love the white on her, and the soft hairstyle. Look number four is something I would love to wear. The subtle tiers and the soft pink color? '20s glam meets girly innocence.

Bree Williamson. Bree plays tragedy-stricken Jessica Buchanan on One Life to Live. This means that on the show, she usually wears dull, boring outfits. That must be terrible for Bree, because she definitely has a signature style that she rocks at events. Luckily, Jessica gets to retain Bree’s amazing hair, and during the DID storyline, we got to see another side of Jessica when her other personality, Tess, took over. Most notably, that sexy kind of side-smile. These are things you just can’t buy. Get in the mirror and practice. It’s cheesy, but it works.

First look: THIS is how you layer (AHEM, Jess, I do like layering, just not t-shirts). Second look: beach blonde waves compliment this racerback dress for summer glam perfection. In the third look, rock and pop harmonize for a perfect pink frock, accessorized with a most appropriate expression ("this is so girly and fun, I couldn't help myself"). And, in the last look, Bree brings her bohemian signature style to the red carpet.

Here's me doing the Bree Williamson sexy half-smile:

Kirsten Storms. Kirsten plays fashionista and drama queen Maxie Jones on General Hospital. Maxie is kind of like a hybrid of Betsey Johnson and Six from Blossom. There is also not a lot of photo variety of her on the ole "information superhighway." I won’t lie, Maxie started doing a lot of things that really annoyed me, and I actually haven’t watched GH, or any soap, in a few months. But, I never skipped her scenes (until I started skipping entire shows), usually because of her outfits. Kirsten Storms has presence, and the style to back it up. I have a feeling she's the biggest risk-taker in real life of all three. Below, the first look is from the 2009 Daytime Emmys. I have a feeling this dress might get the thumbs down by my fellow fasholes, but I love it. I love that it's navy blue and not black; the white feather detail adds a playful lightness to this normally librarian-like color. Her hairstyle mimics the theme of the dress detail but doesn't go overboard. Look two is from the 2008 Daytime Emmys. Sleek is the word. Love the length of the dress, love that she didn't wear a necklace, love that she slicked the hair back, love that the clutch compliments the sash and isn't boring old black. Looks three and four are actually Maxie. Look three is perfect summer: in the real world, you could throw a blazer or denim jacket over the top and be good for work, and take it off for evening. The necklace is unique, and adds a twist to this otherwise feminine outfit. Look four, the only wedding veil I'd ever consider wearing, the bird cage! Forget principles, it's f-ing fabulous. Try to ignore that dork in the picture.

So, that’s just a quick list of who I’d like to go shopping with. I do feel bad for the delay in posting. A for style, B for starpower, C for effort, L-Sass. To keep up with soap style, check out:

www.chrishell.net
http://www.breewilliamson.tv/
http://glamourgirlkstorms.com/

Side note: I could not get my fonts straight in this post, and I'm through trying.

French Connections

2009-12-24T19:03:00.001-08:00

Bonjour and Happy Holidays, Fasholes! (Hello? Anybody there? Gulp.) First of all: holy %*#@(, I’ve been a slacker. I haven’t posted on here in a month? My apologies, well-dressed readers. While I know this lack of FASHOLES reporting might just be unforgivable, rest assured on this Christmas Eve that in the many days since you last heard from me, I maintained the lofty style standards expected of an editor of a fashion blog – especially one that makes fun of other people. I promise that I will atone for the long delay by posting more often over the winter break.

Since my last entry, I’ve realized that I was probably French in a past life – hopefully, a sexy French double-agent who wears fishnet stockings, great sunglasses, and a lot of black eyeliner, and spends her free time luring impeccably dressed James Bond types into thick, mysterious fogs – because my recent fashion choices seem to consistently reflect French style. As I get dressed these days, I envy and imagine the sophisticated, effortless style of Paris, where fashion seems to reflect classic beauty rather than the temporary (and sometimes horrid) trends on this side of the Atlantic. You have to admit, if France is famous for something other than disliking Americans, it’s fashion (or fromage, or smelling poorly, or rampant smoking). However, unlike the massive generalizations I’ve mentioned inside the parentheses, the fashion part is true, at least in my opinion. Paris, an international center of fashion, is famous for the best perfume, the sexiest underwear, the most scrumptious pastries, and the most fashionable clothes in the world. (Yes, I snuck something in there about pastries – so sue me. I went to Paris in the winter of 2006, and I can confirm that they’re fantastic. Oh, and their chocolate ain’t too shabby, either.) France has given us Edith Piaf, Brigette Bardot, Marie Curie, Napoleon, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Julie Delpy and Audrey Tautou; it gave us crepes, the beret, the chignon, the atomizer, Vogue, je ne se quoi, Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Christian Lacroix, Yves Saint-Laurent, Dior, Givenchy, and Coco Chanel, who once said that "simplicity is the keynote of all elegance” and one of my personal favorite fashion quotes, “always take off one thing before you leave the house.” Climatic scenes from the fashion-centric film “The Devil Wears Prada” and TV show “Sex in the City” had to take place, obviously, in Paris. In fact, I suspect the first time a gay man ever told a woman that her dress looked “fabulous” also happened in Paris.*

I found a video on YouTube today of a U.K. talk show (hosted by the intern Hugh Grant crushed on in “Love Actually” that featured three Brits who travel to Paris to investigate the style and beauty secrets of Parisian women, whom the host dubbed, “the most beautiful and stylish women in the world.” Whether you agree with this or not, I highly recommend looking into French style if you’re enticed by anything classy, soft, shiny, very detailed, and whether you’re into a look that’s feminine or fierce. I’m not sure just what it is, but when I venture into this style and put together the right outfit, I’m transformed into someone else – someone infinitely more sophisticated, intriguing, stylish and complex, if only for a moment.

Here are some of my favorite looks:
-Black patterned stockings (dark purple works as well)
-Tall black suede boots (very warm in the winter)
-Long, kimono-styled/wrap sweaters
-Flowers/pins to decorate your coat (makes the same old winter coat feel new again!)
-Black liquid eyeliner (duh) OR bright lipstick (both is too much)
-Chandelier earrings
-Belts (thick or thin, and especially with skirts and a tucked-in blouse of some sort)

(*In doing my research for this post, I googled “Famous French celebrities,” and what came up made me laugh: The first celeb named was “Juliette Brioche.”)

Dear Fasholes Readers: May you sleep safe and sound, all snug in your beds, as visions of samples sales dance in your heads. Happy Holidays from our staff, and stay tuned for my "Best/Worst Fashion of the Year" post!

I Hate Jennie Garth

2009-11-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

It’s 11:36 on Sunday night. I got in bed at 9:00. Not only am I unable to fall asleep, but also I am unable to find anything watchable on television, which means I’m watching Jennie Garth. I just decided that I HATE Jennie Garth. Not only has Jennie Garth always been pretty, but she’s gotten to wear like, a zillion wedding gowns without having to ACTUALLY get married (on both 90210, in an ill-fated wedding to Brandon, and on What I Like About You, in an ill-fated wedding to some other guy, I never watched this show so I don’t know his name). Wearing wedding gowns and not ACTUALLY getting married is MY dream. It will never happen, unless I convince my friend Heather to let me borrow her engagement ring so I can try on gowns. But that would be pathetic, wouldn’t it? No, it wouldn’t. Because, you see, I wouldn’t be pretending I was getting married because of the whole marriage thing, but rather, because I like wearing fancy clothes. What is fancier than a wedding gown? Nothing. It’s no secret among my friends that I’m not sure I actually want to get married, and I think the main reason most women do get married is because we can’t refuse a good party and an awesome outfit. If I got engaged, and was given a gorgeous gown instead of a diamond ring, the actual wedding would likely never occur. I would have already gotten what I came for. This is one of two pictures I could find of Kelly and Brandon’s didn’t-happen wedding, and I couldn’t even find ONE of the WILAY wedding, which proves the insignificance of both shows.
There’s not much to envy about the Kelly dress. My arms would look ginormous in those cap sleeves. But, she’s playing with a Marilyn Monroe look here, and I think that would be sort of fun.

The WILAY wedding dress was huge and poofy, traditional, and ultimately, ridiculous.

Like: I would never wear something like this if I actually got married, but I’d love to just wear it, around my apartment while I did the dishes or something. Or preferably, while someone else did the dishes and I twirled around my living room singing old Shirley Horn tunes. Pointless Shirley plug, listen here:http://www.amazon.com/Heres-Life-Shirley-Horn/dp/B0000046KM (I'm basically a happy and grateful person, despite how I sound right now. I love "Here's to Life.")

If I DID get married, I'd wear something like this:

Kidding! (That's me in my Halloween costume, in case you're wondering. My friends and I were "Britney Spears Through the Years." Side note: Is it charming or pathetic that I'm acting like anyone who doesn't actually know me is reading this blog? Second side note: This is not only a fantastic Halloween costume, but a fantastic idea for a post, which I lay claim to, now.) ANYWAY,whatever I did wear would have a jetpack or something on it, to aid a quick getaway.
According to lovetoknow.com, “During Medieval times, the wedding was more than just a union between two people, in many occasions it was a union between two families, two businesses and even two countries.” This will undoubtedly be the case when my friend Lauren marries the English bloke she’s been shacking up with.

Anyway, what they wore symbolized their class, and was expected to represent both families in the most flattering light. Apparently, there was no alcohol around at these medieval weddings to shatter that image.
I also have an aversion to the veil. Over the face is especially offensive, but I’m beginning to lump the veil in with the assholes who wear tiaras and wings on their wedding days. Yes, I know it’s YOUR DAY, but you’re still not a princess, and you’re certainly not a fucking butterfly.
Shall we examine the origin of the veil? Jennie Garth is still on, so I say, we shall. I get into arguments with my mother over this, which is odd since, currently, the most poignant relationship in my life is between me and my Excedrin Migraine. Let no man put THAT asunder. My mother will be heartbroken when I don’t wear a veil on my wedding day, if such a day ever occurs. She often uses the word “tradition” in her argument. According to Wikipedia (research is boring), “The lifting of the veil was often a part of ancient wedding ritual, symbolizing the groom taking possession of the wife, either as lover or as property, or the revelation of the bride by her parents to the groom for his approval.” This is a wonderful tradition, isn’t it? Not only is it NOT, it’s against everything she ever taught me about feeling obligation to someone else---that I shouldn’t. Unless, of course, that person happens to be her.
This is going to end badly. What’s going to happen? I’m going to have the most untraditional wedding ever, which I’ll still end up running away from, because I equate getting married with my life stopping, even though I have friends who are living, breathing proof that this is not necessarily true. I’m going to play the theme from Super Mario as I walk down the aisle. When I arrive at the alter, I’ll promptly drop down one of those green tubes and move on with my life. Hopefully I won’t have to go through that scary castle, and hopefully, something better than Jennie Garth will be on TV later that night.
Now, for your enjoyment, some of the most ridiculous wedding gowns I could find:

The Majesty of Mooching

2009-11-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

A true Fashole has an aversion to buying clothing full-price; it’s way expensive for this season’s items. Sales are usually the way to go. But sometimes, a sale becomes a moment of insanity. I have stood in front of the clearance rack at Bloomingdale’s agonizing over 40% off purple jeans that were just fantastic and just unnecessary. I imagined wearing them with over-the-knee boots and being stopped by strangers for pictures and accolades. When I got them home, I raved to my personal bankroll/long-suffering husband about these jeans…only to try them on again and notice that I vaguely resembled a grape Popsicle. You know, one of those double ones with two sticks. Sales also inspire wardrobe dementia. I have picked up yet another black Banana Republic boyfriend cardigan at Woodbury Commons because I have forgotten that I have two similar cardigans at home from last year. They are all exactly the same so that 25% off wasn’t a deal, was it?

Instead of being a sensible human being who debates before purchasing, I have simply utilized more and more closets in the house to store these sale mishaps and doubles. My office closet houses my work attire and my husband’s clothes are now, sadly enough, relegated to the dining room linen closet. I could give to good will or throw the clothes away, but this weekend a friend had a great idea. Before moving, she grabbed all the clothes that have been clogging up her teeny-tiny basement apartment and invited friends over to take what they wanted. I called the event “The Majesty of Mooching” because clothes-swapping (from a friend with some style) mixes up your wardrobe without killing your budget. I know clothes-swapping is not a new idea but it deserves revisiting, especially during the holiday season when I want to buy for myself but have to buy for everyone else. No matter what, I cannot give my seven-year-old niece a pair of suede kitten heels for Christmas. I won’t be able to take them back because that darn kid will want to keep them and wear them to school even if they are not her size. Fashion sense is genetic, thank God.

While sipping wine, I tried on at least a dozen separates. I found items I would have purchased for myself and others that I would have passed by but now realize look great on me. After about an hour and a half I had snagged, among other things, a pair of J. Crew corduroys, an Ann Taylor Loft champagne colored sleeveless shirt, a United Colors of Benetton skirt, a Cleo & Patek handbag, two scarves from Express and J. Crew, and a pair of Sam Edelman flats. Everything is last season and some of the shoes have a little heel damage, yet it doesn’t matter because those Sam Edelmans are a lovely dove gray with chunky square buckles that are still in style. And no one notices scuffy heels when you are walking thirty blocks uptown. Clothes-swapping even works with friends of various sizes; my cousin took home a pair of sunglasses and an Italian scarf. There is still a gorgeous blue and brown patterned Lux summer dress sitting on her rack. Any size 12 girls out there might want to jump on that.

Next month, after my friend has found room in her new apartment for all of her current clothes and accessories, we are thinking of having another swap at my home. More friends = more clothes to choose from. Plus, I can get rid of some maternity and post-maternity clothes that I refuse to wear any longer because I'm not pregnant. Now stop asking. And the best part? When I got home that night and tried on those pine green J. Crew corduroys, I didn’t resemble dessert on two sticks. I was a lean, green, money-saving machine.

By the way, I'm Christina, part time contributor to Fasholes. Nice to meet you...and I love your shoes.

Measurements? I don't give a damn.

2009-11-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

While many of you may browse online blogs for more intellectual fare, I NEED Perez Hilton to escape reality for a little while. Just like I need mint Milanos. Like I need Starbucks. Like the deserts miss the rain. What I don't need to know, however, are my "measurements." Come on. Look at poor Scarlett over there. Does SHE look like she wants to be measured in the three areas of the body that like, 99 percent of women obsess over? No. Actually, she kinda looks like she wants to kick somebody in the nuts.

Enter ModCloth, a fashion website specializing in "Mod, retro and indie clothing." (Cue combination sigh/eye-roll from Laura.) But wait! This is not, say a poor-woman's Urban Outfitters. This is like, actually cute-looking stuff; some of it might actually be called GORGEOUS. I mean, yes, alright, some pieces are heinous. But, as Laura pointed out in her most recent post, even Neiman-freakin'-Marcus has its fair share of fashion heinousness.

Also, ModCloth has really awesome names for its stuff, like
its "Tulle There was You," and "Pleats and Thank You" dresses,
or its "Crazy Little Thing Called Glove" (you guessed it) gloves. OK, I'm a dork who clearly just wants to look like Zooey Deschanel if she just happened to guest star on "Mad Men." So sue me.

However, most of the items that I'm drooling over on ModCloth are dresses, but I have no idea what size to order. I don't normally buy clothes online. (When I want something, I can't wait 3-5 business days! I want it NOWWWWWW, DADDY! [And Veruca falls down into the furnace with her golden goose egg!] However, sometimes busy schedules restrict us Fasholes from doing as much "real" shopping as we'd like, so concessions do have to be made.

So, yeah. I have no idea what size dress I am here. They have S/M/L, which just confuses things further, and the only help they offer is a 1-800 number and a chart that you can click on that correlates S/M/L to your measurements. I'm sorry, measurements? What is this, 1865 Savannah? What's next, the triumphant return of the girdle?

OK, I'm done.

On a side note:
Hurrah, Friday is the most psychotic shopping day of the year! Personally, I'd love to find a black peacoat and knee-high black boots on sale. Fasholes, which stores or specific fashion items are you targeting on I-Saw-Them-First-Give-Me-That-Last-Pair-of-70%-Off-Earmuffs-Or-I-Will-Fucking-Kill-You Friday?

Safe shopping to all.

(Above Left: Promise Keeper Dress, $74.99, ModCloth.com; Above Right: Scarlett O'Hara is fucking pissed; Lower Left: Not even worth captioning.)

Blouse Hunters

2009-11-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

What fashole hasn't, at some point in her life, dreamed of being trapped in a mall? Such fantasy usually occurs in the young adult years, when you first realize that clothes are so much more than material on a hanger.

Neiman Marcus hosts an event called "Girls Night Out," and it might be the closest you can come to making this dream a reality. There's music, free food, and champagne, and they give you $50 to spend on almost anything you want (cosmetics, fragrances, and children's excluded). For someone who frequents Neiman's, and shops with a sales associate all the time, $50 isn't a lot. But for a fashole like me, who is only invited because she knows someone who's dating someone who's related to someone...well, it's freaking amazing.

Last night, I attended my second Girls Night Out event(at the first, I purchased this amazing Diane Von Furstenberg coat for...count them...$130). This time, the choice was harder: a gorgeous, effortlessly stylish champagne-colored DVF blouse with intricate sleeve detail, or a more practical, wearable gray Splendid wrap that I can dress up or dress down.

VS.

So which one did I choose?

I know! It's fabulous, but I kind of regret it. I really, really still want that DVF blouse. It was more ME. But, this fashole is dangerously close to being penniless, so she went with something more practical, and something that happened to be about $30 cheaper when all was said and done. This is the kind of purchase that reminded me of Jess's recently-blogged about shoes; you will look for something like it, and you'll think it will be an easy find, but it never quite lays right and the metallic will look cheap rather than luxe. I am SO keeping an eye on the blouse though. Sorry I didn't take a picture that shows off the garment more, but I ate a giant sandwich for dinner and I don't feel much like modeling. Also, sorry I didn't get a chance to clean up my apartment before you popped by.

Ok, onto the regular business. Even a store as beautiful and sophisticated as Neiman Marcus has some major WTF moments. I scoured the website looking for this hideous, multi-colored, hangy-weird-circles-dress that I balked at in the store last night. As my friend said, "Even if money were no object, I'd still shop smart." In other words, all the money in the world can't buy you a sense of style. There are certain items that make me think the buyers just want to see what they can get away with. It's comforting to think that someone who has such a cool job also has this slightly nasty sense of humor.

I could not find the dress, but I did find some other questionable items while on the hunt. (Because L-Sass ate a giant sandwich for dinner, she is feeling especially lethargic and has therefore decided to target just one of the offenders this evening.)

The winner:

Mortals, take cover! Dracula's little sister (let's call her Darla) has both a cocktail party and a boxing match scheduled come nightfall. Seriously? Who would pay $425 for this Halloween costume? This looks like Boxing Babe and Devil Girl had a baby (Dracula's sperm, of course).

It even has a drawstring! I think if you could pull out your gloves and your fangs to wear for the same outfit, you need to just put it down. I can't even see this working editorially, unless we're talking about Party City's flyer.

Black is a staple of course, and red happens to be my favorite color, but black and red together is very dangerous, as demonstrated here. When it works, it's bold and sharp and fabulous, but when it doesn't, well, it looks like Darla.

TARGETS: 11/18/09

2009-11-18T19:26:00.000-08:00

Sit back, relax and pass the bitchy pills, because I've got a trio of celebrity outfits that I've no choice but to ransack ...

Target 1: Beth Ditto, singer, The Gossip

Honestly, this is so heinous, I don't even know if I want it on the blog, but I just can't resist. The hair color + the dress = fire station. Sound the alarm, because this ensemble needs to be extinguished immediately. Or, if you've had enough of the metaphors, just freakin' burn the thing.

And the hair. So you're a singer for a successful, moderately well-known rock band. I get the whole rebellious "I want to make a statement, I'm tired of being kept down by The Man, ya'll don' know me" thing. Many teenagers do, too. Let me guess: You had to fight with some of them over the last bottle of Manic Panic?

I'm not sure what the belt adds to the outfit; the intricate buckle adds even more to an already over-the-top house of horrors.

Beth, honey, have you ever heard the saying, "I feel as big as a house?" Um, that's not a look you want to actually strive for.

Target 2: Whitney Port, star of ... actr... no, that's not it ... um, what exactly does Whitney do again?

OK, sooo .... the, er, lovely look that Whitney's sporting in this candid pic from CocoPerez is apparently in vogue at the moment: oversized long sweater/potato sack + hideously tight leggings that leave precious little to the imagination. Ladies, please - leave it. No, leave more.

First of all, who proclaimed that leggings will now and forever adequately take the place of pants? I mean, sure, under a dress or skirt and with boots, fine. For extra warmth during those long winter nights in the Alaskan wilderness, of course. But as pants? Consider this: Would you wear tights out in public sans bottoms? (Let's not even talk about patterned leggings, let alone jungle print patterned leggings. Wait, let's.)

According to recent reports, Whitney, you've actually garnered a decent amount of media attention (mostly from such notable websites as www.PerezHilton.com and www.StarsWithoutMakeup.com. After careful calculations, I've decided that unless you're really bad with finances, you have money enough to buy things that are, say, not hideous. GO TO BLOOMINGDALE'S, GIRL! Why, why, WHY would you even take a second LOOK at those hideous things? If the leggings were simply plain black, I'd still have a gripe about the tightness factor, but the, um, orange (?) jungle/floral pattern belongs on a bedspread in an apartment in an adult community in Boca.

Target 3: Leighton Meester, actress, "Gossip Girl"

Ok, so I need to know WTF happened at the American Eagle Outfitters Times Square Grand Opening event. Ashlee Simpson, who donned pale skin, jet-black hair and an outfit to match, looked like she should start chanting, "Boil, boil, toil and trouble." And now this?

First of all, let's face it: neither of these actresses wear clothes from American Eagle. The brand is preppy, blah, and geared toward teenagers with no sense of personal style. It's sort of like the poor man's A&F. I'll keep what I suspect are catty comments re: Ashlee's fashion choices to myself, since at least she's consistent; however, Leighton CAN look fabulous, so I'm dumbfounded by this dominatrix-gone-wrong monstrosity.

And the shoes. Shoes are great in general, but I doubt that the most beautiful pair in the world could've saved this getup. However, somehow, Leighton has defied the laws of nature by making the situation even WORSE by slipping on a pair of ... mules? I mean, do you really want to wear something called a "mule?" Is this a word that YOU want to be associated with? (Then again, do you want to associated with the word "pumps" either?)

That leaves us with the plunging neckline (and the matching black band-aid stretching across it); if you stare at it long enough, it sort of becomes an optical illusion and just looks like a giant "V," which makes me think about the movie "V for Vendetta." All she needs is the "V-mask" - ah, perfect. Now at least she can claim it wasn't her.

I'm not even going to mention the makeup, 'cuz that would just be straight-up bitchy. I mean, you can change your clothes, but man, that's her face.

To look on the bright side, L's hair looks nice wavy and tousled!

KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR AN A+ CELEBRITY LOOK. 'Cause it's all about balance, people, balance.

Michelle Trachtenberg, FLAWLESS! Who cares what event she was attending, really. Love the jacket, love the bright burst of aqua and the texture of the top. The necklace, the eye makeup - this look is absolutely made of fashion win. She's even got that perfect ponytail that I will NEVER be able to acheive without the help of a personal stylist and several additional lackeys. Just perfect! Ahhh. I feel so much better now, don't you?

peas out-
your faithful Fashole,
Jess

sweet find: superfab black high heels!

2009-11-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

Finding the right pair of black heels is a lot like shopping for black pants. At first glance, it seems like a relatively simple task (it's not like you're looking for a metallic aquamarine bodysuit - but if you actually are, I recommend American Apparel - and that you leave this site immediately), but in reality it can be as difficult and time-consuming as - dare I say it - finding a new pair of jeans, which might as well be scaling Kilimanjaro.

I've been on the market for a pair of black heels since my Nine West pair started eroding and I had to trash them. Now, you may ask, how could a Fashole not own a single pair of black heels!? Well, calm down, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. You see, I really love flats. I own numerous pairs in a variety of colors and enjoy wearing them whenever possible. (Laura prefers heels - the higher, the better!) What can I say? Flats are comfortable, I don't have to constantly worry about falling, and, well, they remind me of the ballet class I was in when I was five.

On the other hand, there's something about a pair of heels that just makes me feel grown-up, sophisticated and sexy, as though I'm quickly making my way down a quiet side-street in Paris on a rainy day, twirling an umbrella or something - except, you know, my hair wouldn't frizz despite the rain. Except then, I trip. SPLAT. And there goes my Parisian fantasy.

Tonight, I took a brief stroll along the Church St. area of Montclair, which is a really relaxing street to shop on, thanks to its eclectic mix of stores. Plus, no cars are allowed on the street, so it's nice and quiet. And, as if that weren't enough, there's finally a Pinkberry clone (Red Mango, maybe?) opening up in this trendy shopping area. I already spend a good amount of time browsing in these shops, especially since Anthropologie (www.anthropologie.com) is on the corner of Church and Bloomfield Ave., and it happens to be one of my fave stores. I'm there on a semi-regular basis, since I happen to know that they reduce regularly priced items and move them into the sale area every Wednesday evening. (Psssssssh, like I could buy clothes at Anthro at full price!) Having this knowledge is totally normal for a Fashole, by the way.

My first stop was tory janes. (The label that they stick on each shopping bag claims to contain "Shoes that make you happy." I have no arguments against this.) Since many of the shops in the Montclair area tend to be small, pricey boutiques, I was uncertain as to whether or not I would find anything reasonably affordable. (By "reasonably affordable," I mean I'll be able to both pay my rent AND eat this month.)

So, I lucked out and found a great pair of black patent-leather pumps (the first pair I tried on) with a heel very much unlike the rest of the footwear collection in my closet. (Go ahead and scoff, Laura, but you should be proud!) At $98, we're not exactly talking bargain basement here, but as for a go-to pair of black heels, well, I'm very excited to wear them with a pair of black Betsey Johnson tights and maybe a black skirt ...

Oh, damn. Next item of business to shop for: plain black skirt.

So even though I've already seen the shoes, I'm still super-excited to take the box out of the bag, and then the shoes out of the box ...

Getting excited!?! You should be!
Check out my Amazon-like shadow, ominously hovering over the box.

These stylish black pumps are available in both patent-leather and suade ($98, tory janes).

www.toryjanes.com
Address: 2 Church St., Montclair, NJ
973-744-6655

Fazes of a Fashole

2009-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

First, forgive me for the improper use of the letter "F." Creativity is generally shunned upon during my day job, so this is my pathetic way of rebelling.

If you're into fashion, you have probably been watching this lackluster season of Project Runway on Lifetime. Television for Women! Um, excuse me, but Project Runway always has been and always should be television for women, gays, and drama queens.We knew this season would be worse for the wear when Lifetime began airing those ridiculous promos showing contestants stressing over their materials in black and white, and surmising how everything they've pushed for in life has led to this. very. moment. Luckily those god-awful sentimental commercials stopped airing as soon as the show started. But then of course, more trouble began, and it's rather fitting that the best villain that TELEVISION FOR WOMEN! can give us is Irina, who um, gives dirty looks to her competitors (girls are SUCH bitches!) Gone were the zany antics of Santino "What happened to Andre?" Rice and the awesome Kara Saun telling off Wendy Pepper for selling her soul.

Anyway, back on topic: I keep running into this picture of the final 3 that came as a surprise to nobody: Althea Harper, Carol Hannah Whitfield, and Irina Shaba-I'm too lazy to look up her last name right now.

WHY are the final 3 dressed this way?! Did they not realize this was a publicity photo? They remind me of different phases myself as a young fashole, trying to find my way.

Irina appears to be wearing Dora the Explorer's dress-up dress. It's dark brown with pastel flowers on it, is has ruffles (Nikolas, cover your eyes!), and underneath, a green-gray t-shirt from G+G. I guess her traditional father would have been none to pleased if she didn't cover the boobies. This just doesn't make sense to me; Irina has been consistent all season, and is GORGEOUS, I don't mind saying. Frequently, fashion designers dress over the top and weird, and make you go, "Who the F would wear that?!" But this? This is just BAD. She should have ditched the t-shirt, donned a denim jacket and cowboy boots and just gone for it. Her amazing hair would have offset any unkind remarks about looking too costumey.

Althea is me as a high school junior, totally convinced that wearing a leopard-print bra underneath a wifebeater is omgsohot. The fact that the phrase "leopard-print" and "wifebeater" are in the same sentence describing a designer-hopeful is more than troublesome. Althea looks like she lives between the Connors and the Bundys; picture a sash over her shoulder reading Miss Grand White Trash Supreme. Also, it appears that she stole Logan's pants.

Least offensive is my personal favorite for the season, Carol Hannah, who looks kind of like I do when I care but I just don't have enough time. Distressed jeans with a hole WAY up there (nothing like flashing a bit of skinny, pale thigh!) a navy tank, and a thick gold belt. Those belts are pretty much done, aren't they? Although I have to admit, I will still rock that look when I'm feeling especially skinny, because who knows when that opportunity will come again. Also, this season was shot like 5 bajillion years ago. Still, I have a sneaking suspicion that Carol Hannah's belt is not a belt, but a piece of leftover fabric from Mood that she threw on immediately after the loved-'round-the-word Tim Gunn came in and said, "Designers! It's time to shoot the publicity photo for the final 3! Gather 'round!"

Since I'm here, I guess I'll make a prediction for this week's season finale: Irina for the win, Carol Hannah in second, Althea in third. A lot of people don't want Irina to win because she's mean, but let's face it, she has a right to be snotty in this so-called competition. I still hope Carol Hannah wins though, because she really never made anything I didn't like, and she just does the work and stays out of the catfights. Gotta love that.

Welcome to FASHOLES!

2009-11-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

FASHOLES! If you've already read the description of our site, then you know why you're here. Clearly, just like us, you're navigating this often-treacherous, occasionally hilarious road called fashion - and you're here to either avoid a wrong turn, or to laugh at those intrepid individuals who've already crashed and burned.

A quick introduction before we begin...

That's us, your trusted co-editors of FASHOLES, on a recent trip to Boston this summer. On your left, you have Miz Laura - absolutely fearless in conquering fashion AND hair, able to track down the best bargains from miles around. At a friends and family discount event at Neiman Marcus, Laura recently purchased a Diane von Furstenberg dress for a price you would not believe! From casual to uber-glam, Laura has quite the collection of fashion items in her possession. Currently, she is cleaning out her closet to make room for more!

Your other co-editor, Jess, has recently abandoned the above look for Zooey Deschanel bangs, but some of her wardrobe selections are as wild as her unruly wavy hair. Okay, so she's no Lady Gaga, but she has been known to pair unexpected pieces, as you'll soon learn. Her tastes range from the preppie to the hipster to the glamour queen; sometimes, her outfits include a bit of all three. A teacher by day, Jess has long refused to don the stereotypical "educator" uniform of stuffy button-down shirts and drab pants; occasionally - especially on casual Fridays - she'll conceal what you'd undoubtedly label a "weekend" or "artsy" shirt or tank underneath a more professional blazer or cardigan. And in the evening, she's ready to .... ummm, rip off that blazer, go home, put her feet up and watch "What Not to Wear."

Laura and Jess both share the same hilariously dry sense of humor about nearly everything, but one of our favorite topics includes fashion - the good, bad and the ugly - hence, FASHOLES was born. Stay tunes, as more bloggers - some from around the world - may join us!

If you're a stuffy, self-proclaimed fashionista perusing our website solely for news on the best D&G sample sales in Manhattan, you're likely in the wrong place. However, if you're interested in fashion and have a killer sense of humor, stay with us. Send us pictures of people wearing denim cutoffs, mom jeans and Crocs. And get ready to laugh ... and also, of course, to be fabulous.

If you stumble upon a funny fashion DON'T, or something Miz J on Project Runway would dub "FABULOUS"; or, if you're interested in posting for us, don't hesitate to contact us at mydadsoldshirt@gmail.com.

Check back for updates soon!

mwah,
Laura & Jess