Golden Globes Tonight! (And pics of your glammed-up co-editor.)

So, how would I be your Fasholes editor if I constantly schlumped around in pegged Mom jeans and white Nike high-tops? (I'm not saying that, hypothetically, I'm not wearing a maroon hooded sweatshirt and a pair of "Scrabble" pajama pants, but that is now. This is last night.) Last night, I trekked out to Harrisburg, PA, for the wedding of a childhood friend. Now, since I was aware that I wouldn't know anyone besides the "wedding family" and my own, I thought, "What better way conversation starter than a unique dress and accessories?" and decided to glam it up. So, as a way to assure Fasholes readers that yes, I can properly accessorize and look good without labeling myself as a slave to trends, here's a small sample of yours truly, dressed to the nines.

Keep in mind that bronzing powder replaced a spray tan, since I was completely out of my element in Harrisburg (even though I grew up a mere 1/2 an hour away) and could not locate a Beach Bum Tanning salon (or any, really). So, here you go. Laura, I hope I've made you proud.

A few words about the dress: Found in one of my favorite stores/boutiques on Church Street in Montclair for $40 (yes, that's $40!). The shoes I've mentioned in this blog before, but just in case you're interested, were $100. The copper clutch was $20, and a copper/crystal beaded necklace that I knotted once around was $7, from a sample sale on South Park St. in Montclair.

I hope you're able to get a sense of the awesome detail of this dress from these pictures. It's a bit of a halter-top and has a button closure at the nape of the neck. The best part, however, is the layering at the collar. I have to say, the dress immediately caught my eye mainly because of the lux material and the unusual, yet vibrant color - I usually do well with jewel tones, but just haven't worn emerald green since high school. I probably would've bought the dress had it cost $100, but at $40, and after trying it on, there was no way I could turn it down!
I'm normally a huge fan of glamour + skin art, but the fact that my own mother gladly snapped this shot makes me, well, happy.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I omitted mentioning that the Golden Globes are tonight, which means celebrities will be strutting their pilates-toned, manicured and pedicured nails, coiffed hair, spray tans, diamond facials, gobs of gemstones strung around their necks and wrists and dripping like sparkling raindrops from their ears. This also means that I will be reporting on some of the best and worst on the red carpet.

The Best and Worst of 2009

"Like, what's your f****** problem? Are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my f****** outfit?"


le worst
What's funny about doing the research for such a momentous project is just how much more difficult it was to track down styles I liked in 2009. Plus, it's so much more fun to point and laugh.

Let's start, then, with the worst offenders. (I excluded Lady Gaga and Peaches Geldolf, for obvious reasons.) Where to begin?

Okay. Let's start with Kim here. She's a beautiful girl from a family of beautiful girls. She can afford, basically, whatever she wants. So I'm struggling to understand what might have possessed her to wear these Hammer-pants. Especially to Perez Hilton's birthday party! The guy makes a living making fun of people's appearances (and drawing cartoon pee) on celebrities, and you look like you're auditioning for the new version of "I Dream of Jeannie." I just don't get it.




Next, we've got "The Surprise": The celeb who, 99% of the time, looks purely flawless, and then, just when you think it's safe to assume that he/she can do no fashion wrong ... SPLAT. Something like THIS happens. Ahem. Yes, we're talking about YOU, Catherine. Just so ya'll know, you can't wear something like this and get away with it just because you're walking your dog. No matter how adorable your furry friend may be, our judgmental eyes will not be averted from the fact that you are wearing PAJAMA PANTS, a hideous short-sleeved (?) coat, a beret, and what looks like mismatching Uggs of some sort. Now, if you're going to take the time to put on some makeup and accessorize, is it too much to ask just to slip on some darn jeans? Perhaps that, and matching black boots - we KNOW you can afford them - would have saved this outfit. Honestly, even the pup looks embarrassed. And where, may I ask, is her pooper scooper? Don't worry, Cath - we here at FASHOLES have our very own giant Fashion Pooper Scooper - and we're disposing of this entire steaming mess, post haste.


Oh, Katie. Why can't you take a cue from Jen Lindley, your old pal from the Creek - or her real-life self, the awesomely wonderful and talented Michelle Williams? If you had, perhaps you would've ended up in our "Best of le Best" section below, instead of up here? We're not even going to speak of the impact your strange husband has had on your appearance, or the fact that you're dressing your three-year-old in high heels. We're putting YOU first, Katie - errr, KATE - which is something that you've desperately needed to do for quite awhile now.

Let's take it from the top. Remember Joey Potter's long, shiny dark locks from her days lusting after Dawson and Pacey? Hon, it looks like someone took to your cerebellum with a weed-whacker. And I can almost sympathize with the lack of makeup - I've been known to leave the house sans everything (except for sunblock) - like, when I'm going to the gym, or when I'm sick, or when I'm going to work and planning on calling out sick the next day. (This is ironic, because the only reason I have time to post this is because I'm legitimately home sick today.) But, Kate, you've got this strange, chin-crinkly expression on your face, like you know you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

I don't even know where to begin with the actual outfit. We all know that you're trying very hard to re-establish yourself as a serious actress. But really, you don't have to make it look like you fell asleep on the dusty old couch they keep backstage. It looks like you either A) borrowed your husband's shirt from his Risky Business days, or, more likely, B) found this wrinkly white men's shirt underneath the cushions in said couch.

And the jeans. Oh, the jeans. We applaud you, Kate, for trying to bring back the whole Tom Sawyer look. I remember as a young child, spending countless hours trying to fold my socks over to match exactly right. Then I grew up and realized that nobody folds their socks over, and I think most people left their jeans alone back in 1867, when it was no longer necessary to ford rivers on the Oregon Trail.


I like Freida Pinto; I really do. She's gorge, and seems like a real-life sweetheart, and was winningly charming in "Slumdog Millionaire." In fact, I began researching Freida in the hopes of placing her on the opposite side of this fashion coin. Alas, it was simply not to be. Every snap of Freida found her wearing colorful, yet strangely hideous outfits - the one to your left is actually one of the least awful I could find. As always, FP looks absolutely flawless from the neck up. From the neck down is another story. Her top is a lovely shade of cornflower blue. I even can SLIGHTLY accept the skirt, although it looks like some kind of throwback to a look that I can only describe as "80s-retro-I found-this-in-the-paper-shredder."

I don't really get the pink-and-black bag; maybe Freida's just trying to be gender-balanced. And the shoes. No. Just ... no.

What do you think? Would better accessorizing save this sinking ship, or does it belong back in the shredder?


Amber Rose must have IMPECCABLE taste. Not only in men, but in fashion as well. First, we have these other-worldly sunglasses. Then, we have the always genteel Kanye at her side. Then, some shredded Michael Jackson gloves and a tube top. But then, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that AR has obviously not realized that her tights have a huge rip in the crotch and along the sides. I'm going to just go with the theory that she is, like Tara Reid once was, blissfully (or drunkenly) unaware that her vag is pretty much screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE" to the world. Maybe she's coming from yoga class and was trying to do a split or something. Maybe some asshole told her that these were slimming. Or maybe she's trying to air something out.








Sorry, Nat my girl, but just because you think you're lowering yourself to us "little people" by wearing Rodarte by Target doesn't mean you're going to pull it off. Honestly, that's not why us aspiring Fasholes look at pictures of celebrities - to see them wearing knockoffs from Kohl's? Plus, if celebrities stopped dressing up, there wouldn't even BE such a thing as knockoffs. Clearly, Natalie is wearing this ... mustard/goldenrod/barf-colored frock in the hopes of persuading all celebrities to stop dressing in couture and start getting in line at Marshalls in a "V for Vendetta" type of world fashion domination. Don't do it, ladies! Don't shave your heads!







Oh, Melissa George ... please tell me you're at one of those fairs where they give you historical outfits and silly, silly hats to wear and they take your picture in sepia tones and you take it home with you as a memento of the day.


OK, now I feel totally catty. Here I am, all judgy, sitting here at home in my PJs and mismatched socks. I mean, nobody's perfect.


OK, Vanessa, I expect WAY more from you - I expect mascara and heels on the treadmill, and CERTAINLY not CROCS! - and Pamela Anderson is well, cranky, because she's wearing a diaper.

I don't feel so catty anymore, do you?

















... 2009 was not only the worst of times, but also, for a select few, the best - fashion-wise. And now, some moments of zen from Mz. Emma Watson, Michelle Williams, Marion Cottiliard, Amy Adams, Olivia Wilde, Taraji P. Henson, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Connelly, Diane Kruger, and Carey Mulligan. Thank you, ladies.

A for Style, B for Starpower

It happens to me all the time: I put together a fabulous outfit without even really trying, and my excitement is tempered by the fact that I’m merely going to a local bar with my girlfriends. What’s a local bar to you, L-Sass, I hear you asking. Well, it’s my guess that the only men with jobs who inhabit these places actually work AT the bar, rendering them as undateable as the unkempt greasers (Hey! An Outsiders reference!) who dare to approach me. So, why do I get dressed to go to these places? It is an innate thing, it’s just who I am, it just happens. Why do I even GO to these places? The cheese fries, usually.

Anyway, the only time I ever really wish I were famous is when I’m clad in a really great outfit and no one is around to take pictures or care. This got me thinking about the often-ignored B-list stars, particularly the overworked soap opera actors, who often look fabulous to the delight of not nearly enough people. My favorite girls follow:


Chrishell Stause. Chrishell plays Amanda Dillon on All My Children. This girl is perfect. I dare you to find me another living person with that face, a killer body, and the ability to work it. Chrishell knows she’s gorgeous, she dresses to show it off, and yet somehow she never seems to be screaming, “LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME!” with her choices. I love pretty much everything she wears, onscreen and off.

Below, the first look is the bathing suit that made me want to die. Please note that this is actually Amanda, which accounts for the "LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME!" tone of the picture. Look two demonstrates how to make gray and black feminine; I love the ruffle at the bottom, there is something special about it, actually, it's almost mimicking a paper-bag waist. Look number three is just about the best curve-hugging dress ever. I'm no normally into this whole Grecian thing, but her body perfect for this dress. I also love the white on her, and the soft hairstyle. Look number four is something I would love to wear. The subtle tiers and the soft pink color? '20s glam meets girly innocence.





























Bree Williamson. Bree plays tragedy-stricken Jessica Buchanan on One Life to Live. This means that on the show, she usually wears dull, boring outfits. That must be terrible for Bree, because she definitely has a signature style that she rocks at events. Luckily, Jessica gets to retain Bree’s amazing hair, and during the DID storyline, we got to see another side of Jessica when her other personality, Tess, took over. Most notably, that sexy kind of side-smile. These are things you just can’t buy. Get in the mirror and practice. It’s cheesy, but it works.


First look: THIS is how you layer (AHEM, Jess, I do like layering, just not t-shirts). Second look: beach blonde waves compliment this racerback dress for summer glam perfection. In the third look, rock and pop harmonize for a perfect pink frock, accessorized with a most appropriate expression ("this is so girly and fun, I couldn't help myself"). And, in the last look, Bree brings her bohemian signature style to the red carpet.























Here's me doing the Bree Williamson sexy half-smile:

















Kirsten Storms. Kirsten plays fashionista and drama queen Maxie Jones on General Hospital. Maxie is kind of like a hybrid of Betsey Johnson and Six from Blossom. There is also not a lot of photo variety of her on the ole "information superhighway." I won’t lie, Maxie started doing a lot of things that really annoyed me, and I actually haven’t watched GH, or any soap, in a few months. But, I never skipped her scenes (until I started skipping entire shows), usually because of her outfits. Kirsten Storms has presence, and the style to back it up. I have a feeling she's the biggest risk-taker in real life of all three. Below, the first look is from the 2009 Daytime Emmys. I have a feeling this dress might get the thumbs down by my fellow fasholes, but I love it. I love that it's navy blue and not black; the white feather detail adds a playful lightness to this normally librarian-like color. Her hairstyle mimics the theme of the dress detail but doesn't go overboard. Look two is from the 2008 Daytime Emmys. Sleek is the word. Love the length of the dress, love that she didn't wear a necklace, love that she slicked the hair back, love that the clutch compliments the sash and isn't boring old black. Looks three and four are actually Maxie. Look three is perfect summer: in the real world, you could throw a blazer or denim jacket over the top and be good for work, and take it off for evening. The necklace is unique, and adds a twist to this otherwise feminine outfit. Look four, the only wedding veil I'd ever consider wearing, the bird cage! Forget principles, it's f-ing fabulous. Try to ignore that dork in the picture.
























So, that’s just a quick list of who I’d like to go shopping with. I do feel bad for the delay in posting. A for style, B for starpower, C for effort, L-Sass. To keep up with soap style, check out:

www.chrishell.net
http://www.breewilliamson.tv/
http://glamourgirlkstorms.com/

Side note: I could not get my fonts straight in this post, and I'm through trying.

French Connections

Bonjour and Happy Holidays, Fasholes! (Hello? Anybody there? Gulp.) First of all: holy %*#@(, I’ve been a slacker. I haven’t posted on here in a month? My apologies, well-dressed readers. While I know this lack of FASHOLES reporting might just be unforgivable, rest assured on this Christmas Eve that in the many days since you last heard from me, I maintained the lofty style standards expected of an editor of a fashion blog – especially one that makes fun of other people. I promise that I will atone for the long delay by posting more often over the winter break.

Since my last entry, I’ve realized that I was probably French in a past life – hopefully, a sexy French double-agent who wears fishnet stockings, great sunglasses, and a lot of black eyeliner, and spends her free time luring impeccably dressed James Bond types into thick, mysterious fogs – because my recent fashion choices seem to consistently reflect French style. As I get dressed these days, I envy and imagine the sophisticated, effortless style of Paris, where fashion seems to reflect classic beauty rather than the temporary (and sometimes horrid) trends on this side of the Atlantic. You have to admit, if France is famous for something other than disliking Americans, it’s fashion (or fromage, or smelling poorly, or rampant smoking). However, unlike the massive generalizations I’ve mentioned inside the parentheses, the fashion part is true, at least in my opinion. Paris, an international center of fashion, is famous for the best perfume, the sexiest underwear, the most scrumptious pastries, and the most fashionable clothes in the world. (Yes, I snuck something in there about pastries – so sue me. I went to Paris in the winter of 2006, and I can confirm that they’re fantastic. Oh, and their chocolate ain’t too shabby, either.) France has given us Edith Piaf, Brigette Bardot, Marie Curie, Napoleon, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Julie Delpy and Audrey Tautou; it gave us crepes, the beret, the chignon, the atomizer, Vogue, je ne se quoi, Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Christian Lacroix, Yves Saint-Laurent, Dior, Givenchy, and Coco Chanel, who once said that "simplicity is the keynote of all elegance” and one of my personal favorite fashion quotes, “always take off one thing before you leave the house.” Climatic scenes from the fashion-centric film “The Devil Wears Prada” and TV show “Sex in the City” had to take place, obviously, in Paris. In fact, I suspect the first time a gay man ever told a woman that her dress looked “fabulous” also happened in Paris.*

I found a video on YouTube today of a U.K. talk show (hosted by the intern Hugh Grant crushed on in “Love Actually” that featured three Brits who travel to Paris to investigate the style and beauty secrets of Parisian women, whom the host dubbed, “the most beautiful and stylish women in the world.” Whether you agree with this or not, I highly recommend looking into French style if you’re enticed by anything classy, soft, shiny, very detailed, and whether you’re into a look that’s feminine or fierce. I’m not sure just what it is, but when I venture into this style and put together the right outfit, I’m transformed into someone else – someone infinitely more sophisticated, intriguing, stylish and complex, if only for a moment.

Here are some of my favorite looks:
-Black patterned stockings (dark purple works as well)
-Tall black suede boots (very warm in the winter)
-Long, kimono-styled/wrap sweaters
-Flowers/pins to decorate your coat (makes the same old winter coat feel new again!)
-Black liquid eyeliner (duh) OR bright lipstick (both is too much)
-Chandelier earrings
-Belts (thick or thin, and especially with skirts and a tucked-in blouse of some sort)

(*In doing my research for this post, I googled “Famous French celebrities,” and what came up made me laugh: The first celeb named was “Juliette Brioche.”)

Dear Fasholes Readers: May you sleep safe and sound, all snug in your beds, as visions of samples sales dance in your heads. Happy Holidays from our staff, and stay tuned for my "Best/Worst Fashion of the Year" post!