Jan 7, 2011

"Slim Pickins: Welcome to Awards Season 2011!

This is my first shot in awhile, and I'm a giant sneezy, congested zombie right now, so it seems odd that I should point and laugh at wealthy, usually glamorous celebrities who took ONE fashion misstep, while I'm sitting here under a blanket with unkempt hair and a red nose, and wearing - among other unspeakable items - pink insulated pajama-leggings. But it's fun, and I hope you'll enjoy the return of our little column. (Cough, cough.)

SO: Hey, our fabulous, funny and (we hope!) loyal fans. It’s been quite awhile since we’ve ripped celebs' clothing to shreds here on Fasholes. Many things have changed – Joan Rivers is chief of the “Fashion Police,” Natalie Portman’s bringing back ballet chic, and “What Not to Wear” has moved from Friday night to Tuesday. And some have not – Lindsay Lohan is still ducking in and out of rehab, Coco’s ass and Ryan Seacrest are still omnipresent, the paparazzi is still way up in everyone’s business, nobody from the Jersey Shore can dress, and we still wish we were the Kardashians.

We’ve entered awards season, when every notable celeb makes at least one red-carpet appearance for us to dissect, and what better event to kick off our first post in like a year than the People’s Choice Awards. No offense, but if I had the opportunity to attend a star-studded event (wow, have I covered every single celebrity fashion cliché yet?), I definitely wouldn’t choose some of these outfits …

Let’s start with THE GOOD:

Sorry, none.

Yeah, I’m kidding – but truthfully, I was hard-pressed to come up with very many impressive looks this time. Even with personal trainers, nutritionists and stylists, there’s still a lot of bad fashion choices out there, people, and we can only do so much.

Apparently, this girl (above) is called Virginia Williams. Who knew. But I dig her sparkly minidress.

OK, so maybe this isn’t the most flattering shot of Kristen Stewart – she sort of looks like she’s in pain or constipated – but I’ve got to give her props – girl knows how to work the sparkles. And her legs, man, I’m jealous. This dress makes me feel like I should jump on the elliptical machine and pedal away until I’ve traveled from here to China. Plus, the peep-toe black shoes work nicely with the look and her hair looks not only washed, but nicely coiffed. Well played, KStew.

So, supposedly, Khloe K. is slowly transitioning from the standard dark Kardashian tresses all the way to “Jessica Rabbit” red. (She kind of looks like Mandy Moore’s sister here, doesn’t she?) I really like that she’s trying to be different. I like the simple, muted tone of the McQueen dress (it really puts the focus on the new hair color!) and the way it just flows onto the carpet. It’s a bit hard to see, but check out the nifty little leopard clutch at her hip. As Khloe would say, “cute.”

<------- Aha! These are the shoes that I’ll refer to in my response to Rachel Bilson’s old “O.C.” friend, Autumn Reeser. I seriously love these nude-colored pumps and am jonesing for my own pair; unlike colored shoes, they don’t cut you off at the ankle – these give the optical illusion of long, thin legs. Can someone – Spanx, perhaps – create the equivalent of these shoes for the stomach, please? Ok, so Rachel’s hair looks absolutely beautiful. Why can’t my hair look like that, damnit? I use Moroccan oil. WTF!? As for the dress, well, it’s a very particular style, with all that lace. And it kind of has a nautical mood to it (not fashionably nautical … more like, catching fish in a net nautical). I’m not saying that I would choose to wear this dress, but it fits well and is cute and youthful.

The “eh, I’ve seen worse” category:

OK, so, similar shoes, but a less successful bigger picture. White sort of paints you into a corner when it comes to shoes. You don’t want matchy-matchy white shoes unless you’re getting married or it’s Easter or something, but sometimes black is too harsh, dramatic. And so, I suppose Lea Michelle smushed her tattooed feet into a pair of nude shoes (that look too big for her). I like the shape of the upper 75% of the dress. The bottom looks like it was hemmed with one of those paper cutters I still haven’t seemed to master, and about three inches too short. It looks stiff, somehow. Maybe Lea sprayed the bottom of it with the same starch she used to saturate her hair. Seriously, what is up with LM’s hair here? The bangs are nicely curled, but the rest looks like a hot mess. She also looks like she just smoked up inside a tanning bed, but who’s judging?

… and, finally, THE BAD N’ UGLY. For the record, I saw some EXTRA hideous getups on Gawker (who dubbed the People’s Choice Awards “The Worst Red Carpet We Have Ever Seen), but I’m not going to mention anyone I haven’t heard of … ouch. Double-diss.

To the right is the Goth chick from NCIS. I think the message on her dress summarizes the entire parade of oddities strutting their poor fashion choices at the People's Choice Awards. ------->

<------Cookie Monster hasn’t gone tanning in awhile. Believe it or not, this is Autumn Reeser, who more or less singlehandedly saved the last two seasons of classic teen angst-fest “The O.C.” Her character was bubbly, blonde and endearingly anal-retentive – and never would have worn a fright-fest like this one. The dress alone is bad enough, but the accessories – particularly the shoes – aren’t doing her any favors. Those popular nude-colored shoes from Christian Louboutin (I’ve been eying the less expensive version at Steve Madden) would have made her legs look longer. Even worse: her hair and makeup has put the accelerator on Reeser’s age – she looks to be rounding 40, even though she’s nowhere near it.

She looks like one of those multi-colored dusters-thingys that you keep in the closet. Maybe Autumn’s dress should be following that example.

And here we have Raven-Symone, as Natalie Portman’s body double in “Black Swan.”

Drew Barrymore wore this schmatta to the Cover Girl Gala, which was held later the same night as the People’s Choice Awards. Seriously, Drew looks like a fashionista imprisoned for bad taste who ripped her prison pantsuit apart and tried to sew it back together in the yard, but should have probably gotten shivved in the process.

Also, girl, you are a Cover Girl model … Cover Girl makes makeup … you are wearing too much of it.

No. Just … no.


Who’s hiding under there?

I think Rashida Jones is gorge, and I usually like her style choices. Well, nobody’s perfect. First of all, unless Rashida is nine months pregnant, there’s no reason to wear such a contraption. Second, her circa 1995 makeup sucks. Everything’s so pale, and that purply lipstick is doing her no favors. Even though it sort of works with the deep purple carpet, I guess. Which brings me to the matching bandages on Rashida’s feet. They look so painful!


You know, I’m going to feel like a giant jerk if RJ really is pregnant. I’m going to go google this.

Even if she is, though, the makeup still sucks.

OK, that’s all I got, folks. Any thoughts on these outfits? Any others you’d like to offer up as a sacrifice to the fashion gods?

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