Jun 28, 2010

Mae I please go back in time?

(Hello, Fellow Fasholes! I just found this started but never finished blog from sometime around last Christmas, and I decided to finish it. Happy reading!)

Whoever said you can’t want what you never had definitely didn’t come of age in the 90s.It’s not just my life that lacks glamour; it’s my whole generation.

Among the many lovely things I received this Christmas was a horrific migraine, which rendered me useless for the next few days. At some blurry point between drug-induced escapes from what felt like a hammer knocking on my eyeball from the inside, I caught part of an episode of Intimate Portrait on Lifetime. It was probably 3:00 in the morning, or later. I remember thinking I’d enjoy this show were it not for the whole eyeball-hammer thing. The subject of this particular episode (hosted by a pre-Today Show, pre-The View Meredith Viera!) was Mae West, an actress from the 1920s and 30s, known for pushing the censors and such witticisms as,

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before,” “I didn’t discover curves, I only uncovered them,” and the much-repeated and revised, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

I remembered Mae West’s name and decided to do a little Internet research, which turned up images of a strong and confident woman before that was considered all fine and good. These photos make me hurt for a time I never knew, a glamour and polish that just doesn’t exist anymore. Nobody has presence. Everybody’s just trying to be talked about. I, for one, am quite relieved that this New Year’s Eve closed a decade that included the rise (and thankfully, fall) of Lindsay Lohan, as well as the rise (and hopefully, fall) of Ed Hardy t-shirts.Behold, Mae West:

What I love about Mae here is that you can’t help but behold her as she beholds herself. This woman is not just checking herself out in that hand mirror; she’s delighting in herself, something I don’t think women do nearly enough these days. Not those who should, anyway. I find Mae West captivating and gutsy; after watching the Intimate Portrait special, I can say with certainty that if anyone came along in that moment with unkind words, she’d have turned that hand mirror upside down and showed them just what they could do with their opinions. And it would have been as breathtaking as she.

This photograph is full of suggestions, and I don’t just mean what I imagine to be coyly hiding behind crucially-woven lace flowers. This was a smart lady, not a lemming merely mimicking what people around her were calling pretty. I’d venture to guess Mae West thought herself lucky to be of fair skin and hair, and that lips lined and colored deep were considered of the moment; her natural coloring only further showcases this trend. What lady who’s any fun at all wants to veer attention away from her lips?

It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”It saddens me to realize there is no Mae West for my generation. There are only photoshopped pop stars dying to be clever and unpopular high school girls-turned reality TV waste. There is nothing worth being repeated, and nothing worth remembering.

“I’m no model lady. A model’s just an imitation of the real thing.”

Feb 10, 2010

Spending Freeze & My Winter Faves

With much trepidation and sadness, I confess: as of two days ago, Monday, February 8, 2010, I am officially on a budget.

ACTually ... budget isn't quite the appropriate word. Let me explain.

I deal with finances the same way I deal with most other things in life:
1. Pay off all "debts" - either literal or metaphorical.
2. Skip gleefully and fashionably through life. waving credit card around like it is the key to the world (which, really, it is).
3. Procrastinate until just immediately before the giant red "DANGER" button starts flashing.
4. Freak out.
5. Fix everything cold turkey.

So basically, this means that, for the next two weeks, I am attempting not to spend ANY money aside from gas money to motor me to and from work. (I know this is dire straits when a small part of the reason that I'm happy we have a snow day tomorrow is that I won't have to use the gas.) This means: No Grove Street Laundry service; I will be bringing my laundry home for the foreseeable future (definitely past those two weeks). I will be food shopping in my parents' kitchen, making my own coffee, and bringing lunch to work every day. Two weeks and one paycheck later, my bank account will have a much better bill of health. However, the spending needs to stop, or at least lessen greatly, far past the two-week mark.

ANYway, enough of THAT. This weekend, I had the good fortune to actually crawl out of my cave to visit with my Fasholes co-editor, Laura. We shopped at Blue Mercury and The Gap, had dinner, and then went for some drinks. Good times all around!

For fun, here's a list of my favorite items (cue the showtune) from this past winter. Because, you know, I'm really important.

1. System Biolage Moisturizing Balm ($16.50): http://www.goddess-within.com/mabico.html

2. Kiehl's Lip Moisturizer (Blue Mercury, $6.50)

3. NARS' Super Orgasm Blush (Blue Mercury, $26):

4. Long fingerless wool gloves (brand unknown, purchased at store on Church St. in Montclair)

5. Wool Coat
(Esprit, $100 - I have this in a lighter, heather gray)

6. 100% Organic Red Fleece Scarf (Maggie's Organics, $17):

7. Black Leggings
($8, Kmart!) - great for layering.

8. CuddlDuds Lightweight Activewear
(CuddlDuds, price unknown) I know, I know, insulated underwear; what, am I going on an Antarctic trek? - but this brand is silky and really thin, so it doesn't make you feel like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man from "Ghostbusters." Also keeps me quite warm: http://www.cuddlduds.com/SearchResults.asp?Cat=2

9. Potentially Nerdy "Pom Pom" Knitted Wool Hat in off-white
(J.Crew, "borrowed" from a family member; thus, price unknown)

10. My Space Heater

Okay, I now feel superficial enough to wanna puke. So what are your favorite items (beauty, fashion, etc.) that you bought this past winter? Please, sit down and share with the group.

Jan 20, 2010

Obligatory Golden Globes Post

Disclaimer: I didn't actually WATCH the Golden Globes, because something better was on. Something so good, I don't even remember what it was. Probably a repeat of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, or one of my favorite episodes of Frasier. Still, the only reason anyone does watch the Golden Globes (which there seems to be a lot of public backlash against all of a sudden, am I the only one who has noticed? Everyone is boohooing these actors and accusing them of bribing the Hollywood Foreign Press. Who the FREAK are the Hollywood Foreign Press, anyway? Can anyone name a member? Can I become a member?) is for the fashion. And for that, I turned to the Internet. I'm gonna start with my absolute favorites. This week started out good for me, so why not start this post out on a positive note? Then we'll move on to other favorites, the middle ground, and the bleeping awful.
Absolute Favorites:
Christina Aguilera.

OMG OMG OMG. This is what I would wear to the Golden Globes, an event I can assure you won't happen because I'll unfortunately never be a famous actress or singer, and even more unfortunately because I'll never be completely rid of the underarm fat which plagues me, and prevents me from frequenting strapless garments. Christina is doing my favorite thing here, mixing something soft (the pale, peachy pink chiffon) with something edgy (holy crap is that a twisted METAL bodice?!). The detail at the hips is somehow just perfect, it doesn't distract, and I'm sure a lot of debate when into whether or not it would. The jewelery is appropriately simple, given the holy-crap-is-that-a-twisted-metal bodice, and I'm loving the 1920s inspired blond bob. Christina is also apparently wearing the new Orgasm face highlighter by NARS, my absolute favorite make up line, and she is indeed glowing. Guess where this Fashole will be on February 1st, the day this product launches?

Kate Hudson.


Fashion and gossip magazines often coin phrases that combine an unlikely word with "chic." "Bohemian chic." "Retro chic." But never before have I heard "origami chic," and that's exactly what Kate Hudson is doing so brilliantly here. This was a risk, and it paid off. Like Christina, Kate goes for minimal jewelry. The platform pumps are right on trend. The sweepy updo compliments the shape of the dress. Note the textures around the decolletage and elsewhere; again, here we have a little bit of softness mixed in with sharp structure. Is there anything cleaner and sleeker than white on white? No. There's not.

Other wins, in no particular order: Emily Blunt, Cameron Diaz, Anna Paquin (minus the hideous shoes), Elisabetta Canalis, Kristen Bell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Carey Mulligan (though I have no idea who she is, and the top could have fit better).

And now, for the middle ground. In other words, looks I wanted to like, but just could not.

Drew Barrymore.


Oh, Drew. This is like a Project Runway design that wasn't fully executed. I like the idea here, and I think she looked beautiful, but the thing popping out at th
e hip is just too distracting, and what the hell IS that, anyway? It looks like a bedazzled, swollen ovary.

Sandra Bullock.

I think purple is a great color for her, but this is a bit too deep (ok, ok, Jess, go ahead: "that's what she said").


I appreciate that she didn't wear bootie shorts and fishnets. She seemed to want to class it up for the evening, and that's great. The lilac is lovely on her, the fit is won
derful, but all in all it's just not special. Point will be validated by my fellow fashole, a high school teacher, if she chaperones the prom. Unrelated side note: Josh Duhamel is HOOOOOT.

Jennifer Morrison.

Her boyfriend bought her this dress, and she wor
e it, which is just so sweet. I want to like this, I actually like all the frills on top of a form-fitting dress. I think it's the color I have a problem with. Is the dress made out of khaki? What is UP with that? Has anyone ever seen the movie Jersey Girl with Jamie Gertz? She goes to some high society event with her snobby love interest and wears this ridiculous pink little girl dress that her dad bought for her. He was so proud to give it to her. And even though she knew it was hideous, and knew she'd be embarrassed to wear it, she wore it anyway, because she'd rather embarrass herself than hurt her dad's feelings. I kinda think a similar situation happened here. Count yourself lucky, Jennifer Morrison's boyfriend, whoever you are. This girl loves you.

January Jones.

Ms. Jones obviously forgot to take her headband off after her workout. Why, why, why?! I like the dress, but that matchy headb
and ruins the WHOLE. THING.

Chloe Sevigny.

I actually saw Chole accept her award for Supporting Actress, or something, for Big Love. I was trying to figure out how the hell this dress stayed on. It's magical, I guess. Not to sound like a snob, but I think I could have pulled this dress off. Hee.

Now, for the bad. Although you probably skimmed till you got here.

Christina Hendricks.

And here we have a radiant redhead with a good idea gone wrong. Oh, and her boobs squished up to her chin. What the hell is happening with the Mad Men women?! When Elisabeth Moss is the best dressed of all three, well...I can't even finish the thought. The ruffle thing begins way too high on the hip. Again, I'm just too upset to go on. Both Hendricks and January Jones were among my favorites at some other award show, some other time, pre-Fasholes.

Lea Michele

Everyone seemed to love this. I think she looks like a Cris Angel's wedding cake. I'll give the kid a break, she was probably very excited to attend the Golden Globes, and wanted to wear a huuuuuge dress. I say "kid" because I think she's on Glee, which I've never seen, and that's a show about high school kids. In reality, she's probably 47. Hey, whatever happened to Gabrielle Carteries?

What? You want me to go to the Golden Globes?? Wait till people read about this in the Blaze.

Julia Roberts.

Julia Roberts got lost on he
r way to Sona 13 in Morristown, New Jersey, and ended up at the Golden Globes. And, I hate the Legends of the Hidden Temple necklace.

Julianne Moore.

Julianne Moore looks hideous. No witty comment is necessary. Some tragedies speak for themselves. Nice earrings, though.

Zoe Saldana.

I've ne
ver seen this chick before. Chances are, if she turned sideways, I would not see her again. Take Zoe to White Castle to scarf down a few, and then maybe she could fill out this dress. It's way too detailed for such a tiny body. Better yet, give her my stomach and intestinal problems. Oh, my insides. They're wacky.

Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey won two Golden Globes?! Oh, wait. Those are Mariah Carey's ginormous old lady boobs. I hate Mariah Carey. I don't say that with any irony, the way I did with Jennie Garth. I really do hate Mariah Carey. But good news, fashion-challenged, financially-impaired readers: you can get a shorter version of this very dress at your local Joyce Leslie, on the Buy One Get One 50 percent off rack.

Tina Fey.

This is just a stupid outfit. I'm tempted to make a lame joke about Tina getting lost on her way to SNL skit about Little Bo Beep, but that would be kind of redundant since I made both a getting lost joke and an obvious, lazy boob joke, above. This is just terrible. And to top it all off, it was raining. Next time, Tina will check to see if an umbrella makes a cartoon out of her hideous, stupid outfit.

Diane Kruger.

The only good choice Diane Kruger made here is Joshua Jackson. Oh, Diane. What happened? You were just in Jess's Best of Le Best list not two posts ago. This dress...it's pulled from a costume closet. It was marked "token hideous bridesmaid/prom/birthday cake-like dress, circa 1985. It might be the dress Jamie Gertz wore in Jersey Girl.

Well, that's my take! Stay tuned, I had a little shopping spree at Bakers today, and I will be posting my newest fab footwea

One last note: Can someone PLEASE tell Jennifer Aniston to stop wearing BLACK?! It's all she ever fucking wears. New post idea. I call it!

Another last note: Many of the pictures were found at: www.moviefone.com and www.justjared.buzznet.com. I suggest looking at some of these dresses in larger view. For example, Kristen Bell's shoes are fabulous but you really can't see that here.

Jan 17, 2010

Golden Globes Tonight! (And pics of your glammed-up co-editor.)

So, how would I be your Fasholes editor if I constantly schlumped around in pegged Mom jeans and white Nike high-tops? (I'm not saying that, hypothetically, I'm not wearing a maroon hooded sweatshirt and a pair of "Scrabble" pajama pants, but that is now. This is last night.) Last night, I trekked out to Harrisburg, PA, for the wedding of a childhood friend. Now, since I was aware that I wouldn't know anyone besides the "wedding family" and my own, I thought, "What better way conversation starter than a unique dress and accessories?" and decided to glam it up. So, as a way to assure Fasholes readers that yes, I can properly accessorize and look good without labeling myself as a slave to trends, here's a small sample of yours truly, dressed to the nines.

Keep in mind that bronzing powder replaced a spray tan, since I was completely out of my element in Harrisburg (even though I grew up a mere 1/2 an hour away) and could not locate a Beach Bum Tanning salon (or any, really). So, here you go. Laura, I hope I've made you proud.

A few words about the dress: Found in one of my favorite stores/boutiques on Church Street in Montclair for $40 (yes, that's $40!). The shoes I've mentioned in this blog before, but just in case you're interested, were $100. The copper clutch was $20, and a copper/crystal beaded necklace that I knotted once around was $7, from a sample sale on South Park St. in Montclair.

I hope you're able to get a sense of the awesome detail of this dress from these pictures. It's a bit of a halter-top and has a button closure at the nape of the neck. The best part, however, is the layering at the collar. I have to say, the dress immediately caught my eye mainly because of the lux material and the unusual, yet vibrant color - I usually do well with jewel tones, but just haven't worn emerald green since high school. I probably would've bought the dress had it cost $100, but at $40, and after trying it on, there was no way I could turn it down!
I'm normally a huge fan of glamour + skin art, but the fact that my own mother gladly snapped this shot makes me, well, happy.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I omitted mentioning that the Golden Globes are tonight, which means celebrities will be strutting their pilates-toned, manicured and pedicured nails, coiffed hair, spray tans, diamond facials, gobs of gemstones strung around their necks and wrists and dripping like sparkling raindrops from their ears. This also means that I will be reporting on some of the best and worst on the red carpet.

Jan 14, 2010

The Best and Worst of 2009

"Like, what's your f****** problem? Are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my f****** outfit?"

le worst
What's funny about doing the research for such a momentous project is just how much more difficult it was to track down styles I liked in 2009. Plus, it's so much more fun to point and laugh.

Let's start, then, with the worst offenders. (I excluded Lady Gaga and Peaches Geldolf, for obvious reasons.) Where to begin?

Okay. Let's start with Kim here. She's a beautiful girl from a family of beautiful girls. She can afford, basically, whatever she wants. So I'm struggling to understand what might have possessed her to wear these Hammer-pants. Especially to Perez Hilton's birthday party! The guy makes a living making fun of people's appearances (and drawing cartoon pee) on celebrities, and you look like you're auditioning for the new version of "I Dream of Jeannie." I just don't get it.

Next, we've got "The Surprise": The celeb who, 99% of the time, looks purely flawless, and then, just when you think it's safe to assume that he/she can do no fashion wrong ... SPLAT. Something like THIS happens. Ahem. Yes, we're talking about YOU, Catherine. Just so ya'll know, you can't wear something like this and get away with it just because you're walking your dog. No matter how adorable your furry friend may be, our judgmental eyes will not be averted from the fact that you are wearing PAJAMA PANTS, a hideous short-sleeved (?) coat, a beret, and what looks like mismatching Uggs of some sort. Now, if you're going to take the time to put on some makeup and accessorize, is it too much to ask just to slip on some darn jeans? Perhaps that, and matching black boots - we KNOW you can afford them - would have saved this outfit. Honestly, even the pup looks embarrassed. And where, may I ask, is her pooper scooper? Don't worry, Cath - we here at FASHOLES have our very own giant Fashion Pooper Scooper - and we're disposing of this entire steaming mess, post haste.

Oh, Katie. Why can't you take a cue from Jen Lindley, your old pal from the Creek - or her real-life self, the awesomely wonderful and talented Michelle Williams? If you had, perhaps you would've ended up in our "Best of le Best" section below, instead of up here? We're not even going to speak of the impact your strange husband has had on your appearance, or the fact that you're dressing your three-year-old in high heels. We're putting YOU first, Katie - errr, KATE - which is something that you've desperately needed to do for quite awhile now.

Let's take it from the top. Remember Joey Potter's long, shiny dark locks from her days lusting after Dawson and Pacey? Hon, it looks like someone took to your cerebellum with a weed-whacker. And I can almost sympathize with the lack of makeup - I've been known to leave the house sans everything (except for sunblock) - like, when I'm going to the gym, or when I'm sick, or when I'm going to work and planning on calling out sick the next day. (This is ironic, because the only reason I have time to post this is because I'm legitimately home sick today.) But, Kate, you've got this strange, chin-crinkly expression on your face, like you know you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

I don't even know where to begin with the actual outfit. We all know that you're trying very hard to re-establish yourself as a serious actress. But really, you don't have to make it look like you fell asleep on the dusty old couch they keep backstage. It looks like you either A) borrowed your husband's shirt from his Risky Business days, or, more likely, B) found this wrinkly white men's shirt underneath the cushions in said couch.

And the jeans. Oh, the jeans. We applaud you, Kate, for trying to bring back the whole Tom Sawyer look. I remember as a young child, spending countless hours trying to fold my socks over to match exactly right. Then I grew up and realized that nobody folds their socks over, and I think most people left their jeans alone back in 1867, when it was no longer necessary to ford rivers on the Oregon Trail.

I like Freida Pinto; I really do. She's gorge, and seems like a real-life sweetheart, and was winningly charming in "Slumdog Millionaire." In fact, I began researching Freida in the hopes of placing her on the opposite side of this fashion coin. Alas, it was simply not to be. Every snap of Freida found her wearing colorful, yet strangely hideous outfits - the one to your left is actually one of the least awful I could find. As always, FP looks absolutely flawless from the neck up. From the neck down is another story. Her top is a lovely shade of cornflower blue. I even can SLIGHTLY accept the skirt, although it looks like some kind of throwback to a look that I can only describe as "80s-retro-I found-this-in-the-paper-shredder."

I don't really get the pink-and-black bag; maybe Freida's just trying to be gender-balanced. And the shoes. No. Just ... no.

What do you think? Would better accessorizing save this sinking ship, or does it belong back in the shredder?

Amber Rose must have IMPECCABLE taste. Not only in men, but in fashion as well. First, we have these other-worldly sunglasses. Then, we have the always genteel Kanye at her side. Then, some shredded Michael Jackson gloves and a tube top. But then, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that AR has obviously not realized that her tights have a huge rip in the crotch and along the sides. I'm going to just go with the theory that she is, like Tara Reid once was, blissfully (or drunkenly) unaware that her vag is pretty much screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE" to the world. Maybe she's coming from yoga class and was trying to do a split or something. Maybe some asshole told her that these were slimming. Or maybe she's trying to air something out.

Sorry, Nat my girl, but just because you think you're lowering yourself to us "little people" by wearing Rodarte by Target doesn't mean you're going to pull it off. Honestly, that's not why us aspiring Fasholes look at pictures of celebrities - to see them wearing knockoffs from Kohl's? Plus, if celebrities stopped dressing up, there wouldn't even BE such a thing as knockoffs. Clearly, Natalie is wearing this ... mustard/goldenrod/barf-colored frock in the hopes of persuading all celebrities to stop dressing in couture and start getting in line at Marshalls in a "V for Vendetta" type of world fashion domination. Don't do it, ladies! Don't shave your heads!

Oh, Melissa George ... please tell me you're at one of those fairs where they give you historical outfits and silly, silly hats to wear and they take your picture in sepia tones and you take it home with you as a memento of the day.

OK, now I feel totally catty. Here I am, all judgy, sitting here at home in my PJs and mismatched socks. I mean, nobody's perfect.

OK, Vanessa, I expect WAY more from you - I expect mascara and heels on the treadmill, and CERTAINLY not CROCS! - and Pamela Anderson is well, cranky, because she's wearing a diaper.

I don't feel so catty anymore, do you?

... 2009 was not only the worst of times, but also, for a select few, the best - fashion-wise. And now, some moments of zen from Mz. Emma Watson, Michelle Williams, Marion Cottiliard, Amy Adams, Olivia Wilde, Taraji P. Henson, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Connelly, Diane Kruger, and Carey Mulligan. Thank you, ladies.