Obligatory Golden Globes Post

Disclaimer: I didn't actually WATCH the Golden Globes, because something better was on. Something so good, I don't even remember what it was. Probably a repeat of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, or one of my favorite episodes of Frasier. Still, the only reason anyone does watch the Golden Globes (which there seems to be a lot of public backlash against all of a sudden, am I the only one who has noticed? Everyone is boohooing these actors and accusing them of bribing the Hollywood Foreign Press. Who the FREAK are the Hollywood Foreign Press, anyway? Can anyone name a member? Can I become a member?) is for the fashion. And for that, I turned to the Internet. I'm gonna start with my absolute favorites. This week started out good for me, so why not start this post out on a positive note? Then we'll move on to other favorites, the middle ground, and the bleeping awful.
Absolute Favorites:
Christina Aguilera.


OMG OMG OMG. This is what I would wear to the Golden Globes, an event I can assure you won't happen because I'll unfortunately never be a famous actress or singer, and even more unfortunately because I'll never be completely rid of the underarm fat which plagues me, and prevents me from frequenting strapless garments. Christina is doing my favorite thing here, mixing something soft (the pale, peachy pink chiffon) with something edgy (holy crap is that a twisted METAL bodice?!). The detail at the hips is somehow just perfect, it doesn't distract, and I'm sure a lot of debate when into whether or not it would. The jewelery is appropriately simple, given the holy-crap-is-that-a-twisted-metal bodice, and I'm loving the 1920s inspired blond bob. Christina is also apparently wearing the new Orgasm face highlighter by NARS, my absolute favorite make up line, and she is indeed glowing. Guess where this Fashole will be on February 1st, the day this product launches?

Kate Hudson.

e

Fashion and gossip magazines often coin phrases that combine an unlikely word with "chic." "Bohemian chic." "Retro chic." But never before have I heard "origami chic," and that's exactly what Kate Hudson is doing so brilliantly here. This was a risk, and it paid off. Like Christina, Kate goes for minimal jewelry. The platform pumps are right on trend. The sweepy updo compliments the shape of the dress. Note the textures around the decolletage and elsewhere; again, here we have a little bit of softness mixed in with sharp structure. Is there anything cleaner and sleeker than white on white? No. There's not.


Other wins, in no particular order: Emily Blunt, Cameron Diaz, Anna Paquin (minus the hideous shoes), Elisabetta Canalis, Kristen Bell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Carey Mulligan (though I have no idea who she is, and the top could have fit better).








And now, for the middle ground. In other words, looks I wanted to like, but just could not.

Drew Barrymore.

s

Oh, Drew. This is like a Project Runway design that wasn't fully executed. I like the idea here, and I think she looked beautiful, but the thing popping out at the hip is just too distracting, and what the hell IS that, anyway? It looks like a bedazzled, swollen ovary.

Sandra Bullock.



I think purple is a great color for her, but this is a bit too deep (ok, ok, Jess, go ahead: "that's what she said").

Fergie.





I appreciate that she didn't wear bootie shorts and fishnets. She seemed to want to class it up for the evening, and that's great. The lilac is lovely on her, the fit is wonderful, but all in all it's just not special. Point will be validated by my fellow fashole, a high school teacher, if she chaperones the prom. Unrelated side note: Josh Duhamel is HOOOOOT.

Jennifer Morrison.



Her boyfriend bought her this dress, and she wore it, which is just so sweet. I want to like this, I actually like all the frills on top of a form-fitting dress. I think it's the color I have a problem with. Is the dress made out of khaki? What is UP with that? Has anyone ever seen the movie Jersey Girl with Jamie Gertz? She goes to some high society event with her snobby love interest and wears this ridiculous pink little girl dress that her dad bought for her. He was so proud to give it to her. And even though she knew it was hideous, and knew she'd be embarrassed to wear it, she wore it anyway, because she'd rather embarrass herself than hurt her dad's feelings. I kinda think a similar situation happened here. Count yourself lucky, Jennifer Morrison's boyfriend, whoever you are. This girl loves you.

January Jones.




Ms. Jones obviously forgot to take her headband off after her workout. Why, why, why?! I like the dress, but that matchy headband ruins the WHOLE. THING.

Chloe Sevigny.





I actually saw Chole accept her award for Supporting Actress, or something, for Big Love. I was trying to figure out how the hell this dress stayed on. It's magical, I guess. Not to sound like a snob, but I think I could have pulled this dress off. Hee.

Now, for the bad. Although you probably skimmed till you got here.

Christina Hendricks.




And here we have a radiant redhead with a good idea gone wrong. Oh, and her boobs squished up to her chin. What the hell is happening with the Mad Men women?! When Elisabeth Moss is the best dressed of all three, well...I can't even finish the thought. The ruffle thing begins way too high on the hip. Again, I'm just too upset to go on. Both Hendricks and January Jones were among my favorites at some other award show, some other time, pre-Fasholes.


Lea Michele.



Everyone seemed to love this. I think she looks like a Cris Angel's wedding cake. I'll give the kid a break, she was probably very excited to attend the Golden Globes, and wanted to wear a huuuuuge dress. I say "kid" because I think she's on Glee, which I've never seen, and that's a show about high school kids. In reality, she's probably 47. Hey, whatever happened to Gabrielle Carteries?



What? You want me to go to the Golden Globes?? Wait till people read about this in the Blaze.

Julia Roberts.


Julia Roberts got lost on her way to Sona 13 in Morristown, New Jersey, and ended up at the Golden Globes. And, I hate the Legends of the Hidden Temple necklace.

Julianne Moore.


Julianne Moore looks hideous. No witty comment is necessary. Some tragedies speak for themselves. Nice earrings, though.

Zoe Saldana.



I've never seen this chick before. Chances are, if she turned sideways, I would not see her again. Take Zoe to White Castle to scarf down a few, and then maybe she could fill out this dress. It's way too detailed for such a tiny body. Better yet, give her my stomach and intestinal problems. Oh, my insides. They're wacky.

Mariah Carey.




Mariah Carey won two Golden Globes?! Oh, wait. Those are Mariah Carey's ginormous old lady boobs. I hate Mariah Carey. I don't say that with any irony, the way I did with Jennie Garth. I really do hate Mariah Carey. But good news, fashion-challenged, financially-impaired readers: you can get a shorter version of this very dress at your local Joyce Leslie, on the Buy One Get One 50 percent off rack.


Tina Fey.



This is just a stupid outfit. I'm tempted to make a lame joke about Tina getting lost on her way to SNL skit about Little Bo Beep, but that would be kind of redundant since I made both a getting lost joke and an obvious, lazy boob joke, above. This is just terrible. And to top it all off, it was raining. Next time, Tina will check to see if an umbrella makes a cartoon out of her hideous, stupid outfit.

Diane Kruger.


The only good choice Diane Kruger made here is Joshua Jackson. Oh, Diane. What happened? You were just in Jess's Best of Le Best list not two posts ago. This dress...it's pulled from a costume closet. It was marked "token hideous bridesmaid/prom/birthday cake-like dress, circa 1985. It might be the dress Jamie Gertz wore in Jersey Girl.

Well, that's my take! Stay tuned, I had a little shopping spree at Bakers today, and I will be posting my newest fab footwear.

One last note: Can someone PLEASE tell Jennifer Aniston to stop wearing BLACK?! It's all she ever fucking wears. New post idea. I call it!

Another last note: Many of the pictures were found at: www.moviefone.com and www.justjared.buzznet.com. I suggest looking at some of these dresses in larger view. For example, Kristen Bell's shoes are fabulous but you really can't see that here.