Jan 14, 2010
The Best and Worst of 2009
"Like, what's your f****** problem? Are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my f****** outfit?"
What's funny about doing the research for such a momentous project is just how much more difficult it was to track down styles I liked in 2009. Plus, it's so much more fun to point and laugh.
Let's start, then, with the worst offenders. (I excluded Lady Gaga and Peaches Geldolf, for obvious reasons.) Where to begin?
Okay. Let's start with Kim here. She's a beautiful girl from a family of beautiful girls. She can afford, basically, whatever she wants. So I'm struggling to understand what might have possessed her to wear these Hammer-pants. Especially to Perez Hilton's birthday party! The guy makes a living making fun of people's appearances (and drawing cartoon pee) on celebrities, and you look like you're auditioning for the new version of "I Dream of Jeannie." I just don't get it.
Next, we've got "The Surprise": The celeb who, 99% of the time, looks purely flawless, and then, just when you think it's safe to assume that he/she can do no fashion wrong ... SPLAT. Something like THIS happens. Ahem. Yes, we're talking about YOU, Catherine. Just so ya'll know, you can't wear something like this and get away with it just because you're walking your dog. No matter how adorable your furry friend may be, our judgmental eyes will not be averted from the fact that you are wearing PAJAMA PANTS, a hideous short-sleeved (?) coat, a beret, and what looks like mismatching Uggs of some sort. Now, if you're going to take the time to put on some makeup and accessorize, is it too much to ask just to slip on some darn jeans? Perhaps that, and matching black boots - we KNOW you can afford them - would have saved this outfit. Honestly, even the pup looks embarrassed. And where, may I ask, is her pooper scooper? Don't worry, Cath - we here at FASHOLES have our very own giant Fashion Pooper Scooper - and we're disposing of this entire steaming mess, post haste.
Oh, Katie. Why can't you take a cue from Jen Lindley, your old pal from the Creek - or her real-life self, the awesomely wonderful and talented Michelle Williams? If you had, perhaps you would've ended up in our "Best of le Best" section below, instead of up here? We're not even going to speak of the impact your strange husband has had on your appearance, or the fact that you're dressing your three-year-old in high heels. We're putting YOU first, Katie - errr, KATE - which is something that you've desperately needed to do for quite awhile now.
Let's take it from the top. Remember Joey Potter's long, shiny dark locks from her days lusting after Dawson and Pacey? Hon, it looks like someone took to your cerebellum with a weed-whacker. And I can almost sympathize with the lack of makeup - I've been known to leave the house sans everything (except for sunblock) - like, when I'm going to the gym, or when I'm sick, or when I'm going to work and planning on calling out sick the next day. (This is ironic, because the only reason I have time to post this is because I'm legitimately home sick today.) But, Kate, you've got this strange, chin-crinkly expression on your face, like you know you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar.
I don't even know where to begin with the actual outfit. We all know that you're trying very hard to re-establish yourself as a serious actress. But really, you don't have to make it look like you fell asleep on the dusty old couch they keep backstage. It looks like you either A) borrowed your husband's shirt from his Risky Business days, or, more likely, B) found this wrinkly white men's shirt underneath the cushions in said couch.
And the jeans. Oh, the jeans. We applaud you, Kate, for trying to bring back the whole Tom Sawyer look. I remember as a young child, spending countless hours trying to fold my socks over to match exactly right. Then I grew up and realized that nobody folds their socks over, and I think most people left their jeans alone back in 1867, when it was no longer necessary to ford rivers on the Oregon Trail.
I like Freida Pinto; I really do. She's gorge, and seems like a real-life sweetheart, and was winningly charming in "Slumdog Millionaire." In fact, I began researching Freida in the hopes of placing her on the opposite side of this fashion coin. Alas, it was simply not to be. Every snap of Freida found her wearing colorful, yet strangely hideous outfits - the one to your left is actually one of the least awful I could find. As always, FP looks absolutely flawless from the neck up. From the neck down is another story. Her top is a lovely shade of cornflower blue. I even can SLIGHTLY accept the skirt, although it looks like some kind of throwback to a look that I can only describe as "80s-retro-I found-this-in-the-paper-shredder."
I don't really get the pink-and-black bag; maybe Freida's just trying to be gender-balanced. And the shoes. No. Just ... no.
What do you think? Would better accessorizing save this sinking ship, or does it belong back in the shredder?
Amber Rose must have IMPECCABLE taste. Not only in men, but in fashion as well. First, we have these other-worldly sunglasses. Then, we have the always genteel Kanye at her side. Then, some shredded Michael Jackson gloves and a tube top. But then, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that AR has obviously not realized that her tights have a huge rip in the crotch and along the sides. I'm going to just go with the theory that she is, like Tara Reid once was, blissfully (or drunkenly) unaware that her vag is pretty much screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE" to the world. Maybe she's coming from yoga class and was trying to do a split or something. Maybe some asshole told her that these were slimming. Or maybe she's trying to air something out.
Sorry, Nat my girl, but just because you think you're lowering yourself to us "little people" by wearing Rodarte by Target doesn't mean you're going to pull it off. Honestly, that's not why us aspiring Fasholes look at pictures of celebrities - to see them wearing knockoffs from Kohl's? Plus, if celebrities stopped dressing up, there wouldn't even BE such a thing as knockoffs. Clearly, Natalie is wearing this ... mustard/goldenrod/barf-colored frock in the hopes of persuading all celebrities to stop dressing in couture and start getting in line at Marshalls in a "V for Vendetta" type of world fashion domination. Don't do it, ladies! Don't shave your heads!
Oh, Melissa George ... please tell me you're at one of those fairs where they give you historical outfits and silly, silly hats to wear and they take your picture in sepia tones and you take it home with you as a memento of the day.
OK, now I feel totally catty. Here I am, all judgy, sitting here at home in my PJs and mismatched socks. I mean, nobody's perfect.
OK, Vanessa, I expect WAY more from you - I expect mascara and heels on the treadmill, and CERTAINLY not CROCS! - and Pamela Anderson is well, cranky, because she's wearing a diaper.
I don't feel so catty anymore, do you?
... 2009 was not only the worst of times, but also, for a select few, the best - fashion-wise. And now, some moments of zen from Mz. Emma Watson, Michelle Williams, Marion Cottiliard, Amy Adams, Olivia Wilde, Taraji P. Henson, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Connelly, Diane Kruger, and Carey Mulligan. Thank you, ladies.